An Alternative Mr Men Book

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I guess most of us know Roger Hargreaves' Mr Men books, either as readers or as listeners, or in some cases as both. Was it just me who entertained mischievous thoughts about an abuse of the format? This is my favourite among several attempts at tasteless parody. Your imagination can do the pictures...

Page 1 :

Mr Dead lives in Stiffland.

Except that that's not strictly true.

Let's say instead that Mr Dead resides in Stiffland.

Like everyone else in Stiffland, Mr Dead is...well...dead.

Page 2 :

The pace of life is slow in Stiffland.

Except that that's not strictly true either.

Page 3 :

Mr Dead's day follows a pretty regular pattern.

At 7 o'clock, he doesn't get up.

Then he doesn't have breakfast.

Or lunch.

Every afternoon, he doesn't play a game of tennis with his friend Mr Cadaver.

And then he doesn't spend the evening watching television.

Page 4 :

Finally, he doesn't go back to bed.

He doesn't have to, because he never gets out of it in the first place.

Page 5 :

Now, on this particular day, Mr Moribund the mortician decided to lay Mr Dead out in his garden.

For no particular reason, except to make sure that something happens in this story.

Page 6 :

You've heard about the worms in Nonsenseland. They wear bow-ties!

You've heard about the worms in Cleverland. They can read books!

Well, let me tell you about the worms in Stiffland. They make a bit of a mess of locals who get left out in the garden.

Page 7 :

When Mr Moribund came back, Mr Dead seemed a tad lacking in corporeal substance.

Page 8 :

Fortunately, Mr Moribund knew a magician, for whom he'd tastefully consigned a dearly-beloved white rabbit some years previously.

Page 9 :

"Do you think you can put on the bones of my friend Mr Dead?" asked Mr Moribund.

The magician was speechless.

So, incidentally, was Mr Dead.

Page 10 :

Mr Moribund and the magician tried for several hours to replicate the appearance of Mr Dead's former soft tissues.

They tried using screwed-up newspaper.

And plaster of Paris.

And even mashed potato.

Page 11 :

But whatever they tried just kept falling off in big lumps.

It was all most unsatisfactory.

Page 12 :

Then the magician had an idea.

"I've just had an idea!" said the magician.

Mr Moribund looked excited.

Mr Dead looked rather impassive on the whole.

Page 13 :

"I'll use him in my act, where I put my assistant in a box and stick swords through it", said the magician.

"He's got the perfect physique for it".

Page 14 :

So Mr Dead now works as a magician's assistant.

He's even met the magician's former assistant.

She was accidently sawn in half some months ago.

They enjoy a similar life-style.

Page 15 :

Except that that's not strictly true either.

The Pinniped Portfolio


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