h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What! No applications! What a pity - i would apply for the position myself but I have been known to be exremely boring.

Beth

Hi Beth,

Sounds good to me.....it's for Vogon Poetry after all


Go on, apply. Don't forget to say why you should have the job (if you want to - if you'd rather not, it's OK)



Hullabaloo, Poet and Tragedian

Hullabaloo,

I've given further thought to applying for this position. It may be a way for me to do some good in this world. I must, however, point out that I have never inspired anyone - except perhaps those who have been inspired to leave town.

I think I do meet your requirements - well almost.

Beautiful? Of course I'm beautiful! Isn't everyone?

As for spiritual and sensual, since they are exact opposites it is very difficult to be both at once. However, my interpretation is that you require someone who can spiritually appreciate the sensuousness of your poetry. Or indeed someone who can sensuously appreciate the spirituality of your poetry.

I can do that.

As to my other qualifications, I am totally unreliable but can always be counted on to persistently ask annoying questions at the wrong time. And, oh yes, I think you are already aware of the strange drinking habits that I picked up recently - this is surely a point in my favour.

Recently I have been studying vogon poetry of the past. As you are no doubt aware, many of the so called giants of literature attempted such verse.

Shakespeare almost reached your standard with

The white sheet bleaching on the hedge -
With heigh! the sweet birds, O, howthey sing
Doth set my pugging teeth on edge
For a quart of ale is a dish for a king.
(William Shakespeare)

Dickens totally failed with

Oh let us love our ocupations
Bless the squire and his relations
Live upon our daily rations
And always know our proper stations.
(Charles Dickens)

Edward Lear did not too badly with

And who is so happy - O who
As the duck and the Kangaroo.
(Edward Lear)

William Topaz Mcgonagall was one of the more successful

Beautiful Sun! With thy golden rays
To God, the wise creator be all praise
For thou nourisheth all the creation
Wherever there is found to be animation.
(William Topaz Mcgonagall)


Since your work is so superior, I am sure that I can continually express boundless admiration. And of course I would not offer anything like constructive criticism unless expressely invited to do so.

I trust that you have succeeded in reading this, my application, without falling asleep too often and will give the application due consideration.

Beth

O most gracious. pacific and beautiful Beth,

Your application was outstanding, clearly showing your suitability. I particularly liked your 'totally unreliable' and your promise never to indulge in constructive criticism. Constructive praise, however, would be most acceptable. The job’s yours. You’re my Muse of Poetryshould you be mad enough to take the job.

However, every job must have an interview, so would you mind answering a few questions?

The interview:

1. Do you feel OK about the lack of competition? Don’t forget, it takes a very special person to be a Muse, which might account for this, so don’t think this hasn’t been a real achievement.

2. Why did you include such nonentities as Shakespeare and Dickens in the same context as the divine McGonagall?

3, What do you think of my immortal poetry? (be honest, tell me how good it is).

4. When faced with bourgeois smuggery, (say, let’s see, in a thread about whisky for example), should a drunken poet:
(a) Go in and upset the applecart
(b) Go in an' set the cat among the pigeons
(c) Go in and insult everybody at once.

5. Are you sure you didn’t go into rehab? If so are you out of it now? (Doesn’t really matter if you aren’t out yet, except you can have a drink to celebrate – if that’s the right word).



I was going to wait until I returned from a late holiday in Cornwall before I made an appointment, but you're obviously so suitable that I’ve made the appointment straightaway.


If you want to make a start, you could sensually appreciate how good the poems in my Journal are, one by one (not forgetting the earlier ones over the page), while I’m away. It might help to have a few stiff drinks first. Hey, you've got a new excuse!

Have a JD and champagne



Graciously,


Hullabaloo, Poet and Tragedian

Oh Great One thank you, no words can express how speechless I am with joy at your response.

I am going right now to the pub to celebrate. So is it alright if we do the interview when you get back from cornwall?

Beth

O Most Heavenly, Inspirational Beth,

Sure thing. Will you be in the pub until then? Sounds like my kinda Muse

Graciously,

Hull, Poet and Tragedian

O Beauteous One!

The sensual (and or spiritual) appreciation of the poetry was only suggested to get you started. We can subsume that into q. 3 of the interview itself if you'd prefer. You might still need those first, don't worry!

Have a nice week swanning around being a Muse

For now, Fair One, Farewell......


Graciously,


Hullabaloo, Poet and Tragedian

Hi there Beth, O Muse !


I'm now back from Cornwall Any thoughts about the interview....?



Hull, (Poet and Tragedian)

O Great One you are back!! My goodness I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow and so I am, of course, totally unprepared!

Tomorrow - I promise tomorrow I will be ready with the answers to the interview questions.

Beth

Hope you had a good time in Cornwall and found some inspiriation from - well, whatever insprirational things there are in Cornwall.

In Cornwall there are rocks and sea
And rocks and sea
And rocks and sea
The rocks are black, the sea a gorgeous blue
There's sandy beaches an' lots of real (not phoney) art galleries too
Enough to inspire me, in the absence of You,
Who lives across the Atlantic from Land's End, where the sun goes when it sets into the west and the night turns to a darker hue
And who pleads for tomorrow - but does tomorrow
Ever come???
Hull, aka the Great One

O Great Hull

It is tomorrow already! Now how did that happen?

I thought perhaps I should make a start on the interview but time is short as I've got to go out and find someone to feed me soon. Being a muse is very time consuming and has left no time for things like shopping.

Fortunately I did receive a gift of a bottle of Black Sambucca and a bottle of brandy. They go very nicely together and have immensely assisted the poetry appreciation process.

The interview

Question
<1. Do you feel OK about the lack of competition? Don&#8217;t forget, it takes a very special person to be a Muse, which might account for this, so don&#8217;t think this hasn&#8217;t been a real achievement.>

Answer
The lack of competition definitely works in my favour. It means that I do not to spend precious energy on things like discrediting other applicants.

Question
< 2. Why did you include such nonentities as Shakespeare and Dickens in the same context as the divine McGonagall?>

Answer
You are right including Dickens was a very bad error on my part which I hope you can forgive. However I still think that Shakespeare's line -

-Doth set my pugging teeth on edge-

was rather good.

McGonagall of course surpasses all. (With the exception of yourself of course.)

Question


Your poetry is of course stunning in its magnificence. The discordant rhythms, the irregular rhymes, the truly relevant social themes - well it is all so...so.. em stunning.

Question
<4. When faced with bourgeois smuggery, (say, let&#8217;s see, in a thread about whisky for example), should a drunken poet:
(a) Go in and upset the applecart
(b) Go in an' set the cat among the pigeons
(c) Go in and insult everybody at once.>

Answer
I'd say the answer is b). Defintely set the cat among the pigeons, otherwise the diaglogue is apt to become a wee bit dry.


OK I'm all out of time - a rumour has reached me of roast beef over in the hollow. I should at least get properly dressed otherwise they might not let me in.

I am so glad you came back from Cornwall with a poem. It is of course excellent as all you work is. However, where I am the rocks are blue and the sea is black. Really.

Your most devoted admirer
Beth

Hi there Beth, O exalted example of Heavenly Womanhood

Thanks for the interview, which confirmed how brilliant I was to appoint you in the first place. I am rather brilliant, really, even though I'm so modest about it. It's not easy being a genius, but someone's got to do it Thanks for the too.

OK, I agree about the Shakespeare. That line was pretty inspiring

Two things, though - when you have enough time/have had enough brandy, do you think you could say a bit more about my poetry, to encourage me in my lonely lofty task?

And when you say 'However, where I am the rocks are blue and the sea is black.' - is that still the case when you're sober?

Hope you enjoy your new booze. A Muse of Poetry has to remain in touch with the immortal Spirits, after all. It's part of your job. Have one or two or more on me

Admiringly,


Hullabaloo (Poet and Tragedian)

::ahem::

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A498936

Go for it Beth !

Get yourself homogenised in recognition of your Museship


Hull

Actually, I've checked the site and there's a really poor self-appointed muse of poetry there already.

Whereas you're excellent.

So you'll have to invent your own title. Muse of Superior Poetry or something like that? It's up to you.


Hull

Or, if the Muse of Poetry hasn't been around in a long tim, you can be the new Muse of Poetry...

O Great Hull

Just have to let you know that your genius and greatness has not been forgotten by your devoted Muse.

This evening I visited the Musehome and requested an official museship.

Most of the day I have spent reading your poetry which is so sumpiously awsome. I have read nearly all of it to the very end. Of course I am continuously astounded by the depth of the poetic allusions. You are such a genius!(And of course so modest too.)

Beth



PS I suppose you want comments poem by poem and maybe even line by line - I'll get around to that.

O Wonderful Muse Beth,

I have read nearly all of it to the very end

I can't see you in the list of Muses yet. Are they having to remove the incumbent, or are you in there somewhere?

Line by line isn't necessary, nor is poem by poem, (though that might be nice). A gen. summary with examples would be plenty for a busy Muse. You've also got your health to consider (from all that brilliance).

Graciously,

Hull, Poet and Tragedian

o Great Hull

Shame on me for my neglect of you today. I am still studying though.

Every shift of logic in your poems is a voyage into my soul. (Or is it 'every shift in my soul is a voyage into logic') Not sure as I ran out of brandy.

Sleep well my prince and dream sweet dreams of

Beth