Public Transport Etiquette

** Under development **

Public transport has revolutionised the way that large bodies of people are transported from point A to point B. Each year a large number of people are leaving their cars to use this greener and sometimes more efficient service to make their every day journeys into city.

This enforced compression of humanity into very small spaces has given rise to the need for public transport etiquette. The following guide entry is an organic thing which will grow in the future to cover all areas of public transport usage and the etiquette which should be adopted to make journeys as pleasant as possible.

To make use of the guide, locate the breach of etiquette from our list of actions below. Attached to each action is the proper solution.

Smells

One of the more unpleasant aspects of public transport can be when you find yourself seated next to a particularly odorous passenger. What are you to do? What if you find that you are that odorous passenger? How can you excuse yourself? Hopefully the help you need is at hand.

Garlic

The passenger sitting across from you smells strongly of garlic.

Formally introduce yourself to the offender, explain that they smell strongly of garlic, present them with a breath freshening mint and say in a clear firm voice "There are no vampires on this vehicle, please make use of this mint flavoured confectionery".

You have over indulged in garlic the previous evening.

Strike up a conversation about the healing qualities of garlic. How it has anti-viral and anti-bacterial qualities. Mention the conclusive scientific studies on garlic and the part it has to play in cardiac health. This rather dull conversation will hopefully make any fellow passengers move away from you, thereby removing the problem. WARNING: You may be thought of as the mad person who strikes up an unwanted conversation, please see the relevant section in this entry for help.

Flatulence

Someone "drops their lunch" in your immediate vicinity.

You have "let one off" by accident.

There is really only one course of action that you can take in this situation, and that is to tut loudly and stare angrily at an innocent bystander.

Your un-invited travelling companion is wearing overpowering perfume/aftershave.

Lean over to the person bringing dis-harmony to your karma and whisper "do you smell?" They will reply with an offended no, to which you riposte "Just so I know, I no longer have access to that sense since your perfume/aftershave burnt away the lining of my nose.

Someone in your vicinity smells of stale sweat.

Accessories

Newspapers and other reading material

Seemingly an innocent accesory for the average public transport user, however, reading material for one passenger can be the bane of the journey for another, especially if...

The person across from you is reading a broad sheet newspaper, and is repeatedly hitting you with the pages as they are turned

Position your finger as though imitating a gun, and push it into the newspaper, when the paper is lowered by it's owner to see what you are doing, adopt your best 'mad' look and say "Do you know where they take the bodies of people murdered on the bus/train". Your unwelcome travelling companion will move very quickly thereafter

Someone is attempting to read your newspaper/magazine over your shoulder

Mobile Phones

Someone's mobile phone activates with a silly tune

Laugh in the manner of a horse neighing. Give them a friendly punch on their shoulder and go on to tell them how having the theme from James Bond says so much about them as a person. Tell them that you are sure they take their martinis shaken not sited(?) Is this supposed to say stirred? and that they are the most original person you have met today.

Umbrellas

Laptop computers

Physical Contact

Conversation

Seating

Miscellaneous

** Under development **