Wednesday, October 19, 2005

10:30 AM: The large open plaza outside Alabaster House was a hive of activity. Ampton could be seen scurrying about, supervising the CLI bots who were putting the finishing touches on the inaugural platform and the rows and rows of guest seating. Plants had just arrived from the Atelier greenhouse and were being placed at strategic places on the platform. The sound system had been checked and rechecked. The lighting was all in place and operational. The seating charts were ready to give to the ushers and the souvenir, monogrammed towels were folded neatly in each seat.

11:10 AM: Sir Marv the Grate, Chief of Security for the Ozark Party and soon to be Director of the HIA, AIA, and Chief Geologist for the new administration, reviewed the guest list and gave last minute instructions to his undercover operatives. EvilClaw moved his Evil Army recruits into position around the perimeter of the plaza. The guests began arriving.

11:25 AM: Jodan, slightly stooped from the weight of the h2g2 badges pinned to the lapels of his suit jacket, descended the stairs of Buckeye House, the Vice Presidential residence, and entered his limousine for the short drive to Alabaster House. He was accompanied by four security guards, his stock broker and a large black sheep.

11:35 AM: The official party began assembling in the main drawing room of Alabaster House. Hypatia had insisted on her loyal campaign staff sharing the stage with her during the inauguration. It appeared that all of the major players were present and ready for the ceremony to begin. Jodan. Asteroid Lil. Spy. Ormondroyd,.. LLLWaz. Bagpuss. Blacksheep. Everyone was present except…….

11:42 AM: In an upstairs bedroom of Alabaster House Hypatia stretched slowly and yawned. She opened her eyes to discover Lady Chattingly standing by her bedside.

“Do you see that clock?” her sister crossly demanded.

“Yeah, purty, ain’t it,” the sleepy President replied. Actually, since Hypatia wasn’t wearing her glasses, she had no idea where the clock was, let alone what time it was. She groped along the bedside table for her specs. “What time is it?”

Lady C pointed to the clock. “Arrrrrrgh!”

11:50 AM: Lady C made her way down the staircase followed by a slightly rumpled Hypatia wearing her black and gold silk pajamas and matching dressing gown, her gold bunny slippers with the bacon grease stain on the left toe, and since she didn’t have time to style her hair, her favorite St. Louis Cardinals baseball cap to cover up the bald spot on her head.

“I’m ready! What are we waiting for?”

11:55 AM: The procession filed onto the platform and looked out over the crowd. The plaza was filled with researchers eagerly awaiting the inauguration of the new President. Almost everyone in Hootooland was present..

12:00 Noon: Croz and the h2g2 italics were arguing amongst themselves about who would administer the oaths of office to Jodan and Hypatia . They finally decided to draw straws. Paully lost and grumpily approached the podium.

Jodan stood and walked to the center of the platform where Paully was standing holding an omnibus edition of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy five part trilogy. Jodan placed his left hand on the book and raised his right hand.

I Jodan do solemnly swear to faithfully execute the duties of Vice President of h2g2 and not to trim my toenails in public. I further swear not to attempt to assassinate or seriously disable the President in order to gain power, neither by stabbing, shooting drugging, poisoning, tripping ,strangling, suffocating, battering her with a blunt object, infecting her with any chemical or biological agents, pushing her down stairs or elevator shafts, throwing her off of a tall building or out of a high window, drowning, running her down with a moving vehicle, burying her alive, feeding her to wolves, bears, alligators, crocodiles, sand worms, large snakes, sharks or schools of barracuda or piranhas, or by burying her in an ant hill. Nor will I imprison her in a dungeon, cave or tower, take her into the mountains, desert or forest and abandon her, or tie her to a chair and force her to listen to old Johnny Cash albums or watch reruns of ‘Survivor’ until she loses her mind. So help me Blacksheep.

Jodan returned to his chair amidst thunderous applause.

12:05 PM: Hypatia stood, straightened her baseball cap and approached Paully. The crowd grew silent, then from the back the faint beginnings of a chant could be heard. It grew in volume until it filled the plaza. Muad’Dib… . Muad’Dib…. Muad’Dib… . Muad’Dib…

Hypatia cleared her throat and shook her head until the chanting stopped. Paully held out the book . Hypatia placed her left hand on the book and raised her right hand in the air.

I Hypatia do solemnly swear to faithfully execute the duties of President of h2g2, whatever the heck they are. I will never invite a Vogon to recite poetry, I will search for the Ultimate Question, I will enforce the no spitting rule and I will never leave the earth without my towel. I further agree not to make everyone play ‘Hail to the Chief’ whenever I enter a room except on odd numbered Tuesdays. I will arrange for sailing lessons for everyone who received a yacht during the campaign, will make you brownies when you’re blue, cake for your birthdays, and chicken soup when you’re ill. I will shake hands with badgers wherever I find them. Furthermore, I will lay out the hamsters silk jammies with the monogrammed pockets and tuck them into their little beds each and every night. So help me Cousin Clem.

Paully walked back to his seat and the President approached the podium to deliver her inaugural address. She patted the pockets of her dressing gown, in search of her speech, then realized it was in her briefcase in her office. She was going to have to wing it.

Muad’Dib…..

“Now cut that out!”

Hillbilly…Hillbilly…Hillbilly….Hillbilly…Hillbilly……

Fellow h2g2 Researchers and distinguished guests. I know that many of you are dreading a long, boring inaugural address. With that in mind I have promised to keep it short and sweet. Today is a truly special day for me as I assume the duties of your President. Little did I dream while growing up in my small town in the Ozarks that one day I would have the honor of holding such an office. It is both gratifying and humbling.

We have been charged with an important task – that of completing the Earth Edition of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The Guide has come a long way since it’s inception by our dearly missed friend and inspiration, Douglas Adams. And although we may disagree about the exact approach to take in regards to the Guide and about what Doug Adams intended it to be, we are all agreed that he would want us to continue it. So that is what we must do. Continue to produce interesting, well-written articles about Life, the Universe and Everything.

But h2g2 is more than the Edited Guide. It is also the UnderGuide, the Post, the Forum and many challenging and entertaining conversation forums. h2g2 has excellent poetry and fiction, wonderful art, robust role playing games and is a warm, welcoming place to meet friends. It is this unique combination of elements that when added to the Guide makes h2g2 such a special site.

I’d like to publicly thank the Editors and the BBC for keeping us afloat. And I’d like to thank all of our Researchers for your dedication to the site and your hard work.

In closing, I would like to make my first official Presidential proclamation. The cake tax is hereby repealed! Everyone! Let us eat cake!

The plaza erupted into frenzied applause and the chanting began anew.

Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!…. Hillbilly!….

Flashbulbs exploded as the dignitaries on the platform gathered around Hypatia and Jodan to offer their congratulations. Even Jimster, Natalie and Paully came forward to shake the pajama clad President’s hand.

The guests left their seats to the melodious voice of Barbara Streisand coming through the boom boxes located throughout the Plaza. They made their way toward the banquet hall and a wonderful buffet.

“Happy days are here again,

Skies above are clear again.

So let’s sing a song of cheer again,

Happy days are here again.”