h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have always thought of squirrels as somewhat cute, harmless critters, but in my fair city the overabundance of tourists has made them quite tame, aggressive, and even seemingly malevolent. I was bicycling on a path (grant me very slowly), enjoying scenery and all that and noticed a squirrel chasing me. It was cute, at first, but after a quarter mile of being eerily followed by this single-minded rodent I got quite spooked. Why would a squirrel chase a bicycle?

Thanks Harvbey the wonderhorse... Goodonya mate!

But what you don't know is... squirrels actually rule the world, they have tiny probes inserted in our brains, we just don't know it, at night we do their fiendish work, ever woken up with tree sap on your hands? now you know why.

My hands are usually covered in sap.

What fiendish thing do you suspect squirrels of having manipulated you into performing on their bahalf?

rubbing your hands on trees! thus the sap, this is all part of their evil plan

No, the sap is just a bi-product of my evil plans.

Extract from Classified files of S.A.P. (Scottish Anti-alien Patrol)

"A number of highly intelligent aliens cunningly disguised as small mammals have been sighted in the vicinity of Du.... [message terminates]
http://freespace.virgin.net/peter_d.brown/gallery.htm
PeterB

Holy crap! I'm beginning to think I've got this squirrel business all wrong.

Maybe, after all, there is more to squirrels than self propelled bushy tails. Or perhaps squirrels in the UK are something entirely more sinister.

So sinister, in fact, that I have been rendered completely unable to think of anything sinister about them.

if everybody had a tail and chose its shape and size, would you prefer a tufted one to swat at passing flies?

No, I would prefer a nice strong flexible one. Ah, the joy of hanging upside down from a tree...

If I had a tail, I should want one long and thin;
For things too tiny for my hand, my tail could reach within.

If I had a tail, I should want one wide and flat;
For when it's hot or rainy, I could wear it for a hat.

If I had a tail, I should want one big and thick;
And long enough to chase 'till I fall dizzy or get sick.

or would you have a stocky one to thump on wooden floors?

I've just finished a page about tails. I would appreciate your comments (If it's not too forward of me to ask).

It would not surprise me.

I know that the squirrels have been following me. The Americans seem to deny the squirrels evil powers but I think that this is just because the FBI (who are of course controlled by squirrels) have brainwashed them while watching cheap imported sitcoms. I am also from Scotland. Maybe they have a secret lair in Glasgow. Or maybe the pollution here is bad enough to make me delusional.

my god i remember this forum, *pulls cobwebs out of hair* Your probably right, But i'm sure the squirrels that live in my tree like me because when the boys from down the road try and steal my conkers they attack them in my defence and pellet them with nuts. Or did I dream that?

That's just pro-squirrel propaganda. How do we know that we can trust you.
Either the squirrels in your tree are red squirrels(rebels against the greys) or they have got to you and made you part of their conspiricy.
Don't think you can fool us.

Yes, I also know about the squirrel conspiracy. To find out extra details on the squirrel threat, visit Sick Bob's page on it.

Thanx Aevil.

Please visit my page on the squirrel conspiricy. It is accessable through my home page and contains some extended info on the squirrel threat. Your comments would be much obliged.