h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Another insidious rodent is the glis-glis. Introduced into this country in the 18th Century (I believe) it has an advantage over the squirrel in that it is a protected species, so you can't trap them and kill them. We had a glis-glis living in the roof space of our house, and it used to spend the whole night scuttling about and screaming just above my bedroom. It almost drove me mad.

The Romans had the right idea. They used to eat them.

I once had the same problem with attic dwelling racoons.

What, you had to eat them?

Judging by the noise they made, I was the one in danger of being eaten. Funnily enough, only yesterday someone told me that boiled raccoon is considered a delicacy (by some group not normally presumed to be insane).

Can't talk long... squirrel.. watching .. in house.... red eyes.. screaming run!!!!!!!!!

Interesting fact: it's pretty much the only animal to be commonly known by its scientific name glis glis, possibly due to some misguided political correctness over its two common names - Fat or Edible Dormouse - both of which would probably distress the poor rodent, were it to know of them.
We had a family living in the floor of our bedroom once. Until we actually saw one, we assumed we had James Herbert-sized rats with hob-nailed boots and a pneumatic drill in the house. Actually they're small grey fluffy things with huge black eyes and little pink feet. You'd be hard-pressed to design a cuter-looking animal if you were Walt Disney himself (especially as he's dead). We felt a bit better about sharing the house with them once we'd actually seen one, although this was easy to forget at 3am in the morning when they'd just woken us up by running relay races under our floorboards.

I would presume that their cuteness is an evolutionary trait to prevent the wholesale extermination that would otherwise result from their nocturnal line dancing antics.

Yes, a tactic tried by cats, babies and Bonnie Langford, with varying degrees of success.

'3377

How much did I laugh when I saw the 'Asahi' advert on the Underground featuring Ms Langford in her golf gear?!

'Personality. Refined, groovy.'

Brilliant.

So ironic it's practically steelic.

Squirrels are edible and lend themselves perfectly to the constr uction of kebabs.London has an abundance of both squirrels and kebab shops.I can't beleive I never spotted the connection....

Surely a dearth of squirrels and an abundance of kebab shops would be more suspicious.

I suppose that now might or might not be the appropriate time to mention that I once had an armadillo try to creep into my bedroom - no silly, covert attic antics but clearly a well-devised intention to go straight into my room through the open window and perhaps right for my throat.

Or rather now would be the appropriate time if I weren't actually trying to make a record by not being late to work (and scrambling wildly to do so) for once.

That would mean the predator-prey relationship in the squirrel-kebab shop-drunk person food web would be in imminent danger of collapse.
In any given ecological system, the prey must greatly outnumber the predators in order to successfully progenate and carry on providing a food source for the predators in continuing generations. A ratio of, say 8,000 squirrels per kebab shop should strike the balance. This ratio approximates that found in London. So f**k 'em and eat 'em, that's what I say.

...Oops, sorry TDV. I guess you've got rules on expletives.

*
*DON'T EAT SQUIRREL BRAINS. YOU COULD CATCH MAD COW DISEASE!*

...Honestly.

There is a connection; and, incredibly, people do eat squirrel brains. Admittedly I've never seen anyone eat a squirrel brain. But I am assured that somewhere, someone may, even now be about to do so.

That would certainly explain the patently brainless antics of squirrels; as well as the obviously mad behaviour of the type of person one would suspect of eating a squirrel's brain.

...Honestly. Read about it at DiscoveryOn-line or @DiscoveryCanada, or somewhere.