Beer Jokes

2 Conversations

So Long, And Thanks For Laughing

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Beers may make men look like this

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should
take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

A Man Walks Into A Bar...

A monk drinking a pint of lager
  • ...with a piece of tarmac on his head. "Can I have a pint please, and one for the road."
  • A termite walked into a pub and said "Is the bar tender here?"
  • A man walks into a bar......OUCH!!smiley - injured
  • Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one asks for Blood. The second one asks for a Blood Lite. The third asks for some hot water. The barman asks him "Why do you want water when the other vampires want blood?"

    He pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making smiley - tea
  • Four fonts walk into a bar

    The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar,

    One was a salted.
  • A jump-lead walks into a bar.

    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

    The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
  • An alien drinking
  • A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double

    So he gave her one
  • A sandwich walks into a bar.

    The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra
  • A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he
    says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.
    He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes,"The old man replies.

    "Do you want a pint?", the man asks.

    "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?

People in a pub

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A
few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of
the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all
the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK
door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his
wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over
and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will
be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be
called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

Three glassses of beer

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is
my guide dog. And, by law you are not allowed to discriminate against the handicapped."

The bouncer said, "Yes you are right, but a Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer let him in.

His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and
started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

A string walked into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you have to
leave, we don't serve string in here!", so the string leaves.

Outside he tied himself in a knot,roughs up his ends a
little bit, and goes back into the bar.

The bartender on seeing him burst out in a rage, shouting "Hey,
aren't you the string I just kicked outta here a minute ago?!".

"No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he
hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another

The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then
asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the
other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says,
"I'll have a waterloo, too."

The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the
customer takes a big drink. "Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well,
it is water. Right, Lou?"

Men, Women & Wine

A boxer drinking wineA woman with fruit on her head drinking wine

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

So Long And Thanks For Laughing

Bookmark on your Personal Space



Infinite Improbability Drive

Infinite Improbability Drive

Read a random Edited Entry


h2g2 is created by h2g2's users, who are members of the public. The views expressed are theirs and unless specifically stated are not those of the Not Panicking Ltd. Unlike Edited Entries, Entries have not been checked by an Editor. If you consider any Entry to be in breach of the site's House Rules, please register a complaint. For any other comments, please visit the Feedback page.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more