Back To So Long And Thanks For Laughing
Bread Is DangerousImportant Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
The Toddler DietPeople are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,
otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
- Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
- Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
- Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
- Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
- Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
- Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
- Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
- Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
- Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
- Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.
Diary Of A Cook
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing", so I didn't dress. Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk.
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill...
How To Tell When Food Has Gone Bad
- Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
- Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
- Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
- Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
- Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any
loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
- Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
- Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
- Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
- If you can take chip dip out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
- SPECIAL NOTE ON REFRIDGERATED UNMARKED ITEMS ENCLOSED IN TUPPERWARE:
- You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
- Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.
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