h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If you have a great idea for an evil secret weapon to deploy against the Cats leave it here.

Well, I have been working on a general-purpose astrophe, but I'm sure I can specialize it into a cat-astrophe. It has general-purpose apults on each corner, which would be easy to modify into cat-apults that can throw cats into the next forum. It moves on silenced cat-erpillar treads, which would wreak havok in a catmint patch. As well, it has a swivel-mounted water cannon on top and I'm just installing a turd hurler. Any other suggestions would be welcome.

I think that if we doggedly pursue the felines with this thing, we will end up victorious. Hope that wasn't too dogmatic.

Might I suggest you add a Cat-thode Ray to the GP astrophe - it should create a cat-aclysm and give the felines cat-arrh. That should be a tonic for them - a Cat-a-tonic

Red

Sounds good to me. I'll get right on it after I have a little rest. I'm dog-tired.

OH! OH! I have the greatest idea for a secret weapon!

*Looks around to see if anyone is watching. Rolls out a blueprint.*


It's a curiositizer. It increases the curiosity of the target 10-fold. Cats are naturally very curious, so when they are hit by this ray, they will become super-ultra curious. And everyone knows what curiousity does to cats!


BWA HA HA HA HA HA

~Awards Bar to Big bad Werewolfs Gong for fiendish ingenuity~

~Bends over bluepints in a conspiratorial fashion~

This could be the key - I like it. In fact I LIKE IT A LOT.

~Points at blueprint~

If you increase the power output here, add a second catalysing chamber there and install one of our multiple target tracking devices you should be able to hit the entire h2g2 Cat population with one hit of the Curiositizer. True it'll top out at about 2 tonnes but it should go in our upgraded Trojan Cat II if we strip out the bucket seats, the wicker baskets and the bedding. We may even have to sacrifice the Karcher high pressure water jets but it`d be worth it.

~gazes out of the window in a dreamy fashion thinking of the possibilties~

Hmmmmm. I sure hate to lose the bucket seats and baskets. Perhaps if we downsized the zapacitor and reroute the flux channel ...

Well, it would decrease the capacity so that it would only work on the cats in a particular forum, but it would allow us to still have the bucket seats.

Now, if we could only shrink it a little more ...

aren't the DOGS supposed to be the GOOD GUYS?

Only at weekends

~still poring over blueprint for Curiositizer~

Mmmmm -I'd hate to lose the twin karchers as well as the bucket seats and baskets. Maybe we leave the Trojan cat II as-built.

What if we downsized the power pack to make it portable - it`d mean limited use before recharging but it would be a useful trade-off. I'm now thinking a tripod mounted, water-cooled, belt fed weapon. You`d need a gunner and an armourer to man it.

We could also make single use auto-curiositizers arm them with proximity sensors and Hey Presto - Cat Mines.

How long do you think it would take to get a prototype curiositizer made - could it be ready for action soon.

Well, once I figure out how to wire the question circuits in to the stare enhancers, it shouldn't take long. Unfortunately, it is giving me a little trouble.

*Pushes a button on the prototype. Sparks fly out and a small cloud of smoke forms.*

See.

I have and Idea for a device to torture cats with. It has little combat value, but the interrogation, and entertainment value is incalcuable. It a rack for stretching them on. The important thing is to have fine teeth on the gears, while maintaining a adequate ratio. There was some other stuff, but my other ideas for the cat-r-rack have grown cloudy and dim. Dog gone it.

*Tightens a screw, puts down the screwdriver and stands back. Reaches out a paw and pushes a button. A ray beams out of the curiositizer. BBW cheers.*

It works! It works!

*A passing fly happens to fly through the beam on it's way to window. Suddenly it veers off of its course and begins flying very slowly around the curiositizer, as if studying every detail. Suddenly, it sees BBW and flys over to him. Fascinated, it buzzes around his head. BBW tries to shoo it away, but it lands on his back and walks around, examining everything minutely. BBW rolls over, but the fly flies off at the last moment and resumes examining BBW's head. BBW flails away at the fly with his paws, but this just piques the fly's interest and it continues to buzz around. BBW sighs and tries to ignore it. The fly lands on his nose. BBW snaps and catches the fly. He swallows with a grimace.*

Yuk

Well, at least it is working!

Okay, another new weapon idea:

We develop a new soft drink. It should be catnip flavoured, so that it is irresistable to cats. We could also make a liver flavour. Now this soft drink would be harmless to other creatures, but it would contain a secred drug that would put cats into a stupor. I mean, more than their regular stupor, that is.

Anyway, we would call it ... wait for it ...

CAT-A-TONIC

and we would sneak a few cases into the cathouse, or set up a drinks stand just outside.

eeeeeeew, he ATE a FLY!!!!

*Completes work on the secret drug, starts working on the catnip and liver flavouring, but begins to feel as though he is about to give a speech, except milder.*

Now, why would I be getting mild butterflys?

ohhhh, because you /ate/ a /fly/!!!!!!!!!

*grossed out*

*Remembers the curious fly he ate. Tries to think how to still it. Has an idea and begins looking in the upper corners of the room. Finds what he is looking for and climbs on a chair. He crouches, and then ...*

SNAP

*He swallows the spider, with a grimace.*

Double Yuk

*turns green*

*Starts humming the tune to "there was an old lady" for some inexplicable reason*