h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We are in the process of inventing a nice little island, where we shall deposit anybody who has sufficiently annoyed us.

Location: Middle of nowhere, in the path of regular hurricanes, tsunamis etc.

Climate: Bleeding hot as hell by day, freezing cold by night. usually. Just to be really annoying, sometimes this pattern is reversed & no, you can't check out the weather forecast because....

(here is the REALLY evil bit)

there is NO electricity & *worse* NO hook up for mobile phones.

There is however A Tree. Just one. Unfortunately it is one of those bizarre monkey puzzle trees, so don't even think about climbing up it & hailing a passing cruise ship; nor getting any nourishment or shelter from it.

Ther is water, we are not complete despots. There is also a frequently replenished bar ( that guy with the beard who turns water into wine!) with; we do understand about these things.

There is one, i repeat ONE mattress, so you will have to work out sleeping arrangements yourselves. We expect a mixed gender population of very varied sexual orientation, so this should be interesting.

On the non human front, we can offer & in great abundance, which is unfortunate for the phobics; but may prove to be the therapy they have been looking for; i think it's called "flooding"; see reference to tsunami above.

Ah, and many of the have fleas, which may be carrying plague. Best not to talk about the insects really.

Food, i hear you say, what about the eating stuff?

Well Mc Donalds hasn't opened a branch yet, nor is there a health food shop. So, better start looking at & co-operating on a jobshare type thing i suppose.Hope the smokers brought their matches?

Hmm, co-operation is really the only thing that is going to get you through all this i reckon.

Ah, forgot to mention. There is a fully trained psychiatrist on the next island & a large Tv crew making daily flights overhead but neither of these are permitted to offer any assistance, merely observe.

OK, that's the good news. Next posting is the bad news.

Bye!!!

zdt

The Bad New is that someone dropped the matches overboard as they climbed into the canoe.. such a pity that!

A chest with a map of the way home is buried somewhere upon the island.. you only need to find the "X marks the spot" to retrieve it! (Suggest some bribing of the TV crew.. they like )

Please don't leave food exposed, we have found this encourages cockroaches to swarm to the island.. again, this not nice for the phobics.



signed...

THE MANAGEMENT


Please note:- Has there have been cheats among our visitors in the past, therefore we will perform regular stip searches as and when we feel necessary! *snaps on rubber gloves*

Lil, Lil, calm down dear. I have told you many many times that some of our guests are allergic to latex.

Please perform these tasks with delicacy, tact, discretion & sensitivity. Some people actually get quite upset when you stick your...no, i shall refrain from the gory details or that poor psychiatrist will need one of her own to cope with work overload.

Anyway, about all those, we need some decent recipes; ah...did somebody mention there are only????

zdt

oops, i was wrong, there are puffer also.

But our guests are well informed 'cos we thoughtfully provided this:

http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/content_pages/record.asp?recordid=51352

Awww, are we spoiling them do you think?

zdt

*leans forward to take a closer look*


Yep!! Sho' seems like it baws!!

Have introduced a nice new feature.

Welcome to thepit. It's nice & warm, but a bit itchy.

Reserved for very special guests.

Oh & by the way, no dental facilities on The Island From Hell

zdt

*hides the jar of jam*

*produces a pot of honey*

zdt

Oh Terri!

That is wikkid!

MOI? Wikkid? Nah!!!

Now, what about those nice cutesie poo vultures......

http://www.k-jostudio.com/images/Cartoons/Car%20Vultures.jpg

zdt

*giggles*

Yep.. that is fun!


got to go.. teatime ..see ya later

And just to prove me & Lil are really very nice fluffy cute polite & civilised little pussies, here we are, having our tea.

The vicar took the photo.

http://www.angelfire.com/sc2/sunshinerose10sc/images/cats/teatime.gif

zdt

*giggles*

I've thought of something very annoyingly evil you could add if you wish...

The only soap provided to guests is hotdog sented and severely dries out the skin causing itchy flaking and rashes.

scented... but you knew what I meant!

Oooh yes! We weren't actually thinking of providing such niceties as soap but that sounds a goodie.

Aww, we can put it cutesie poo little packets; lull them into a very false sense of security.

zdt

And trace amounts of acid in the shampoo

I think it's much more devious then giving them none at all... plus if everything is hotdog scented they'll still smell horrible!

..

...And one of their tasks would be to keep a cauldron of whitefish boiling.. 24 hrs a day!.. but not to eat.. just to keep going..


.. Imagine the smell!! After the first 24 hours their hunger will fade to totally hate the stench!