Oink Oink
Created | Updated Mar 13, 2012
Swineflu: Coming to a person near you soon
I remember when the first cases of H1N1, commonly known as swine flu, were reported from Mexico and the USA in May this year. It was shortly before I was going to the h2g2 London meet. I wasn't worried then, but I didn't tell my parents, because my mother would have been worried. I think she considers the UK to be the hotbed of diseases and terrorist attacks. It was somehow odd to see a few Asians on the plane back wearing face masks, though. On asking, the flight hostess told me that Asians have worn them on flights ever since the Avian flu a few years ago, and that this was a common sight.
For months, there wasn't really much to hear about swine flu in Germany, and if I heard about cases, they were far away in other federal states. Most surprisingly, there weren't any reported cases for Hesse in general, and Frankfurt in particular, for a long time. I say 'most surprisingly' because Frankfurt has the busiest airport here in Germany.
During summer we could read that the Robert Koch institute strongly advised people not to go to 'swine flu parties' – something that had apparently become popular with teens and twens in order to get the flu now (as long as it seemed to be rather harmless) and hence be immune once it hit in winter. The institute claimed this would not protect against a mutated, stronger form that was to be expected in winter.
Then, in September, the tabloids were suddenly filled with stories about people who had swine flu. And sort of like magic, there was a vaccine, although the pharmaceutical industry usually takes ages to develop one. Soon all the world and his dog had an opinion and advice to give about the flu jab – all of it contradictory. People were confused. It didn't help that many were suspicious and didn't trust the serum; they were reluctant to get the swine flu jab, after all, it looked like a desperate attempt of the pharmaceutical industry to sell their stuff, disregarding any possible, and not yet researched and documented side effects. Or were they documented in another connection? An email made the rounds, from a doctor in Frankfurt, claiming that the adjuvans (a booster) that is added to the serum is renowned to have caused the Gulf War Syndrome.
To unsettle the average citizen further, Der Spiegel (The Mirror) told us that government with chancellor Merkel at the top, as well as the German Army would get a different serum: one without the controversial adjuvans1. Unsurprisingly, it made people wonder that if the adjuvans was as harmless as its producers tried to make out, why then would the VIP not get it? Conspiracy theories abounded. All over the internet and other media you can read that the virus was produced in some labs (I'll leave it to you to guess the prime suspect here), or that it is just one form of the very many viruses which exist anyway but pharmaceutical industries and governments in connection with, and helped by, WHO used it to:
- a) Make a lot of money
- b)Test a highly controversial serum on millions of frightened and powerless people2.
In his interview with Der Spiegel from July this year, the British Epidemiologist Tom Jefferson thinks that all the hype about swine flu, and the fact that WHO changed its definition of 'pandemic' are 'noteworthy'. He suggests to wash your hands.
The whole issue is highly emotional, escaping all attempts of rational debate. We'll probably never hear the end of it. Pharmacies sell disinfectant soap and face masks by the hundreds. Fact is, that people have died – whether of the swine flu virus, or the normal influenza virus, or something else entirely – who is to know? Apparently, the so called 'quick tests' doctors can do if they suspect somebody to have swine flu are extremely unreliable, so most doctors don't bother3 with them. A blood test would be more conclusive, but some claim that the virus strain hasn't even been identified so far. No wonder that the serum allegedly is a cocktail of normal flu, avian flu and swine flu with added squalen, quicksilver and aluminium for good measure. I'm sure it contains lead, too, because otherwise I can't explain why I couldn't lift my arm for hours after I got the jab.
Which leads me on to the logistic problems German health offices4 which were the first to start inoculations, faced. Not for the whole world and his dog, mind, but first of all for people who are at a higher risk due to their profession. Where I work, we got a sheet telling us that we could go and have the jab during the period mentioned on the sheet. Now I wasn't inclined to go there in the dark (the time slots were between 5 and 9pm), in an area I don't know my way, and which my boss described as: unsafe. So I called and asked whether they could offer an appointment earlier in the day. They could, a week later. I had to tell them my name and where I work, and they told me to bring my ID card and a proof that I work indeed where I said I work. After a whole morning of nudging my boss to write a form saying that I did indeed work in his pharmacy, I arrived there at the appointed day and time (and yes, the whole street leading there reeked of pee but was at least empty in bright daylight). Imagine my surprise when I found a large crowd of people waiting there. All had been given the same time as me, there was no reception, just a waiting area – and just one doctor to do the job! It was chaotic. First come, first served, but who knew who was first and last? People kept arriving.
A friend of mine recently said: I can't believe that anything German is disorganised. Does not compute!
Well, only people from abroad can have this image, you'd soon be taught differently if you lived here. All the proof they wanted was my name. I could have sent a friend, and they'd never found out! Sure, they made everybody fill in a form first, similar to those you get before an operation, but who'd check the signature? Anyway, I got my jab in the end. It made me wonder how they would cope once the vaccination is open to all who want it, not just a select few.
A few days later, the media started reporting all those people who had died shortly after they had got the jab. Oh joy, what a comforting thought. The judgement is still out on whether or not I'll suffer from side effects. However, there was something positive about all this: I could hug and kiss my son when he came home from barracks this weekend, telling me to stay at a safe distance because his whole battalion had nearly been closed due to so many recruits suffering from (swine) flu and Montezuma's revenge, so it was possible he was a carrier of the virus. I couldn't have bothered less, after all, I am immune!
Oink, oink!
