h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jelly Donut Barage Successful. . .break. . .retaking primary postions. . .break. . .Scouts report enemy activity along primary avenue of advance minimal. . .out.

ACE report to Follow.

A. (Ammo) We are up on all ammo
C (Casualities) Two lost to Knikker sighting. (Naked and in the woodline at this moment) THree lost to sheep stare. . they are drooling and saying something about how cashmere is bad)
E. (Equipment) Up on all ewuipment plus the two uniforms of the two naked men in the woodline.

All Sonic Weapons online. . .break. . .most powerful when turned to Barry Manilow setting. . .break. . .suggest all units turn to this setting. . .out.

SALUTE report to follow.
S (Size) Four sheep tanks, 2 platoons of sheep infantry in the open.
A (Activity) Patroling in rolling V formation.
L (Location) Right in front of main line. . .but far enogh away to notice the frilly knickers. . .even the tanks are wearing them.
U (Uniform) sheeps wear wool. . duh
T (Time of Activity) right now duh
E (Equipment) Four tanks with 50mm beef jerky coax chain gun and 75mm projection screen for sheep stare. Infantry wearing purple ballistic helments with pictures of margret thatcher on them. Main weapons include M240M capable of firing four thousand insults a minute and m16A17 capable firing 800 rounds of snot a minute. . .sheep stare on full.

and damn those frilly knikkers.

OUT

Hotpocket throwers proved useful. . .break. . .2 platoons from Alpha Company decively engaged. . .break. . no casualties to report. . .break. . .I think the sheep have gas. . .break. . they are bloated.
OUT

FDC this Iron106 fire mission over. . .
Iron106 this is FDC fire mission out. . .
FDC this is IRON106 fire A23453 over
Fire A23453 out. . .
Two sheep platoons in the open with frilly knikkers over
two sheep platoons in the open with frilly knikkers out.
shot over
shot out
splash over
splash out

Sheep urinating on themselves and jelly donuts in their hair
Roger, this is FDC out.

LtCOL Starbirth intercepts message. . .break. . sheep plan. .. Project humanize going inot effect. . .how copy over.

Damn. . .break. . to much beer. . .out

It was not dolphins! repeat not dolphins! It was por.......... {remainder of message unintellagable due to high solar activity}

Threat from sea. . break. . .tube worms with the ally of porpoises. . .break. . .suggest we employ the laser guided munitions. . .break. . .might I suggest the use of the laser guided dandruff shampoo.

the stinky kind with menthol

back it up with a dose of barry that will teach them a lesson they will not soon forget.

I will add the mixture and send it to the chem lab for inclusion in the laser guided munitions.

WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING US WE ARTE YOUR FRIENDS WHO HAS KEPT YOU WARM WITH OUR WOOL WHO HAS FED YOU WHEN YOU WERE HUNGRY WHO HAS HAD TO PUT UP WITH SEXUAL ABUSE FROM LONELY SEX STARVED HUMANS. CATS ARE YOUR ENEMY THEY LIVE IN YOUR HOMES DRINK YOUR MILK AND EAT YOUR FOOD BUT WHAT DO YOU GET FROM THEM THEY PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR MIND KEEPING YOU UP ALL NIGHT BY BEING ALWAYS THE WRONG SIDE OF A DOOR AND MEPWING ATTACK THE CAT LEAVE US ALONE WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS ASK YOURSELF THE RIGHT QUESTION AND YOU GET THE ANSDWER THE COMMANDERS ARE BEING CONTROLLED BY CATS LEAVE US OBEY YOUR OWN MINDS NOT YOUR COMMANDERS REMEMBER YOUR FAVOURITE WOOLEY SCARF JUMPER OR HAT AND HOW IT KEPT YOU WARM REMEMBER WHERE IT COMES FROM A GIFT FROM US TO KEEP YOU WARM AND SAFE WE ARE LIKE PARENTS TO YOU WEE LOOK AFTER YPOU

Is this another attempt to undermind our attempts to put down the uprising. I think so.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT NICE WARM BLANKET THAT NICE PAIR OF GLOVES THAT KEPT YOUR HANDS WARM IN THE COLD WEATHER LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE GIVEN YOU WEARE YOUR FRIENDS WE HAVE BEEN LIKER PARENTS TO YOU WHY TRY TO HARNM US WE DO NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS FOR YOU THE ANTI DANDRUFF WAS NICE MUCH BVETTERTHAN THE SHEEP DIP WERE USED TO BAAAAA

And you type in all CAPS to thats almost enough of a reason.....

The blankets are just a clever attempt to smother our young while they sleep, we found the transmitters you put in them. . .and the I think we all remember Lambchop, the puppet who scarred many a child during it's tv time slot. . .nuff said I think.

-----Yes lambchop---- I hope no one has forgot the Flanery insedent of 93 where one sara flanery lost a whole day of her life to the song that never ends... before doctors put her to sleep using the ole penny basket toss medical technique

May she rest in peace. . .you wool wearing, sheep staring, foul smelling things you. . .

Air force designation Sam 28,000 - crew code name Angel - 87 phones-advanced electronics-anti missel defence-operating room-luxerious state rooms-a fortress-hotel-office-weapon-mobil goverment all in one but one thing not exsposed "a state of art sheep pen" capeable of sending e-mail!!!

It seems that the infantry man have made a successful advance in tactics. . .they lay out bowls of lucky charms for the sheep. . .this is significant because the sheep (in their feeble sheep minds) cannot eat a bowl of lucky charms with out eating the grahm parts first one by one thus separating them from the marshmallows. . .thus providiing the time to eliminate the threat.

TYPING IN CAPS IS A MUST UNTIL SOMESHEEP CAN INVENT A KEYBOARD FOR QUADRAPEDS IF WE TRY ANYTHING FLASH LIKE USING THE SHIFT KEY WITH ONE HOOF AND TRYING TO USE THOSE POINTLESS SYMBOLS ABOVE THE NUMBERS WE WOULD SMASH OUR FACE INTO THE KEYBOARD LAMBCHOP WAS AN ATTEMPT AT TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOVE US INSTEAD OF VIEWING US AS A LIVING TEXTILE MANUFACTURING MACHINE AND FOOD SOURCE IT WORKED TO SOME DEGREE AS THERE ARE NOW MANY MORE VEGETARIANS ON OUR SIDE TELL ME DONALD DO YOU STILL WAKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT THINKING ABOUT FLOSSY THE NUBILE EWE OR WOULD THAT BE GIVING TO MUCH AWAY TO YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU AARON HAVE YOU BEEN HOLDING THE INFORMATION ABOUT DONALD TO BRIBE HIM AT A LATER DATE