Colonel Sellers Observes
Created | Updated Jun 22, 2003
Drive-thru Medicine in the US
Doctor: Good morning, how can I help you?
Patient: I've got this awful pain in my liver.
Doctor: In your liver? That can't be. Liver disorders are difficult to diagnose and expensive to treat... it would cost much more than we would make off your insurance payments, should we bother to extend your life. You must have something else.
Patient: No, it's my liver. See, I've read all about it... the location of the pain, yellowing of the eyes, a change in the color of urination, and it all points to the same thing.
Doctor: Ah, but you're an idiot. I, on the other hand, have studied medicine for so many years that I've forgotten what it's like to be a human being. But what I do know is that, if you've got a liver disorder, then it will be expensive to treat, hospital profits will dip, and I may not be able to buy that new BMW next week. So it can't possibly be your liver. It's probably just stress.
Patient: Stress can make your eyes turn yellow?
Doctor: Well, stress can make your immune system weaker, which can make you susceptible to microbes, which can make your eyes yellow. Or not. I could be lying.
Patient: So, what do you recommend?
Doctor: Ah, yes, I've read that giving medicine to people makes them feel better about the whole medical process. I'll prescribe you some aspirin for the pain, and an antibiotic for the eye condition. We get those in bulk, and cost us far less than the $5 we charged you to walk in the door. If your situation doesn't improve in a month, come back to see me. I'll be on vacation in the Bahamas by then.
Patient: Thanks, Doc, I appreciate it.
Doctor: No problem. Now, if you can just sign this sheet, I can fill out your prescription. It just says that if you die, it was your own stupid fault for listening to me. It's just standard hospital policy.
Patient: Sure, Doc.
Doctor: Thank you. Now, if you would kindly go away, I have to pretend to treat some more patients today. Honestly, this would be such a great job, if it wasn't for all the patients whining and moaning about their personal problems, as if I care. It's soooo depressing. Honestly, I think I'll have to write myself another prescription of Prozac just to make it through this shift.
Patient: I had no idea...
Doctor: Are you still here?
