Trans-Bristol Channel Trophy Results
MORETONHAMPSTEAD, 6-Feb-2009
Axminster will be licking their wounds tonight after being humiliated for the second time in a week by Lundy Island U13 on the Moretonhampstead Showgrounds. Desperate to stem the flow of consecutive defeats Axminster took the bizarre steps of experimenting with their own schoolboys and controversially resting captain Dicky Pouting. Pouting's heir apparent Mutt Clarkson took charge for the match having never lost a game as captain until tonight.
Yet again, the once-formidable Axminster batting line-up faltered in the face of the Puffin's succession of dibbly-dobblies, medium pace pies and Vettorix's cunning field placements, with the only resistance coming from Clarkson himself and Bruce Prostitute. The total however was meagre and was easily overcome by the calculating Puffins.
Clarkson went into the game fighting allegations that he is a WOM (woman over mates) after it emerged that he had been put into a Boston Crab by team-mate and opening-bat Semen Catfish during victory celebrations after a game late last year against Saltash. According to tradition, when Axminster win, a chosen player, currently Bruce Prostitute, is required to lead the team into a rendition of "I've got a brand new combined-harvester", and players cannot leave the victory celebrations until the song has been sung. Clarkson it is alleged had a red hot date with Honiton's milkmaid of the year Laura Bangle and wanted to get away early. "My protector was chafing", he said, "Catfish could bear my incessant whining no longer and that's when it all kicked off. These things happen in cricket".
Before the game, Clarkson had said that losing to Lundy Island would be unthinkable. After the game, Clarkson could only think of Laura.
An SMS has been sent to Pouting who is holidaying on the beach at Weymouth.
BARNSTAPLE, 13-Feb-2009.
Axminster clung to the Trans-Bristol Channel Trophy despite a brave push from Lundy Island in the final game of the series on Friday.
Torrential rain overnight and throughout the day in Barnstaple threatened to force an abandonment but good work from Mr Woollongabba of Barnstaple Parks Dept. ensured that a shortened match could go ahead.
Axminster batted first with Jim Hopeless promoted up the order for regular opener Mutt Clarkson who was out with his girlfriend. Hopeless fell early as did captain Dicky Pouting and the home side were soon on the ropes. But an inspired innings from gloveman Barry Hadn’t ably supported by Massey Ferguson set the tourists a handy target to chase down.
Lundy set about their task with great elan and were quickly within sight of victory when the floodgates opened. A spokesperson for Barnstaple Water Authority said that they had no idea the spillway chase was being used for recreation.
Puffin skipper Duran Vettorix was non-plussed: “If they had floodlights, we could have played on”. Pouting, who’d narrowly avoided a duck, was more philosophical. “That would have been nice with orange sauce, now I’ll need to pick up a piece of whiting and portion of chips on the way home”, he said.
With the series tied at two apiece, Axminster retain the Trans-Bristol Channel Trophy.