h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Throws phrasebook away*

*taps chair to get everyone's attention*
The chattering ceases...a faint whooshing sound can be heard...
GB turns to look in the direction of the golden sword, floating down towards her...
GB takes the hilt of the sword and deftly swings it around...
Saint Titania, if you'd like to bring forward our first applicant?

*approaching corner where Uniqua is trying to make self invisible, and indeed succeeding rather well, being a unicorn, however, elves see them anyway*

Come now, don't be nervous, it's nothing to be afraid of (I hope)...

*pulls Uniqua's mane gently, and together they approach the podium*

GB stands before Uniqua, and raises the sword gently, landing it delicately on Uniqua's mane.
I pronounce you the Patron Saint of Magical Children's Dreams...
dust changes Uniqua's mane and tail to a golden colour, a pale golden halo appears above Uniqua's head...

*Silly Willy watches from the throng of Angels*
Oohh, nice Halo!

GB watches Uniqua trot away, and smiles.
What a beautiful creature!
*waves to nim the cat, in human form for once*

Saint Ottox, will you bring me the next applicant, please?

* takes Jo's hand and whispers *
I'm probably just as nervous as you. Come!

* leads her to the podium *

Yahoo messenger just went down, now winging it

try re-starting Yahoo Messenger

Jo, who is barefoot, covered in mud, wearing an old skirt almost down to her knees, and a long sleeved blouse of a gossamer-like material, wearing a wreath of hawthorn in her hair, treads delicately towards the podium and shyly smiles at Saint Ottox...
She kneels and bows her head in front of GB...
GB raises the ceremonial sword and it touches Jo delicately on her shoulder.
Jo, I appoint you the Patron Saint of Skyclad.
~A pair of butterfly wings sprout from her back, and a halo of hawthorn appears above her head~.

* smiles *

*Hearing the sound of a large, multi-cylinder 4-stoke bike engine, Kes turns round. A lady in leathers, riding a Cagiva Supercity, enters, stops engine, and dismounts. Kes walks up to her, noticing the three chevrons on the shoulder of her leathers.*

Sergeant Mushroom, I presume? Nice machine! May I escort you to the podium?

*She nods. He indicates the direction with his arm, and walks alongside her 'til they reach GB*

GB. This is Sergeant Mushroom. I commend her to your service!

Thank you, Archangel Kes!
Sergeant Mushroom, would you please kneel?
Nice leathers by the way...
Oh, please remove your helmet?
Great...
*swings sword carefully tapping Sergeant Mushroom on the shoulder*
I appoint you the Patron Saint of Biker Cats...
Sergeant Mushroom's leathers change into a long flowing blue dress, with beautiful blue feathered wings sprouting from the back, a sparkling halo above her head...
GB smiles...

~looks down at theat her feet~
Oh, I do beg your pardon!
You want sainting too?
~looks around~
OK, everyone is ascenting, Sergeant Mushroom's cat, I hereby appoint you Sergeant Mushroom's Guardian Angel
A furry halo appears above Sergeant Mushroom's cat...

Well done Sergeant Mushroom!
*bends down*
Would you like a fish? No? Oh well, maybe some other time.

*Silly Willy walks off to fetch Emily Ultramarine*
*He re-enters followed by a young lady wearing a red medieval costume carrying a picture of Dorian Gray*

Don't be nervous, Galaxy Babe's very experienced with that sword thingy!

Just stand there.

*admires Emily's dress* Beautiful!

*Kes observes to himself that the picture of Dorian Gray is refreshing faster than his browser ...*

Emily bends in front of GB...
Hello, Emily, sorry we couldn't let the Lord of Fishnets escort you, I hope the Archangel Silly Willy was a nice substitute!
What's that you are carrying?
~squints~
"Emily's manifest bitterness with Oxford University"
Oh, I'll sort that out for you!
*waves sword*
~all the bitterness evaporates~
Emily, you must move on. You are destined for other things...
*touches sword to Emily's shoulder*
I appoint you the Patron Saint of Aestheticism...
~A pair of red feathered wings sprout from Emily's back, perfectly matched to her medieval gown, and a red velvet halo appears over her head~

Very nice, maybe you'd like to join Jim, Lord of Fishnets over there...
*Emily walks off towards Jim, her new wings flutter tentatively*

*Kes walks over to the entrance doorway, where two people are standing back-to-back*

Hmmm ... January ... month of Janus ... the god of entrances, and the god with two faces ... SO .. one of you is the Mask ... while the other is his alter ego?

*He inspects their faces, but cannot tell which is which*

Oh well, you are both welcome ... please come with me ...

*He leads them to GB*

GB - here are both sides of the coin, both wishing to become angels .. I present The Mask ... and his elter ego ...

*Bright white light streams through the doors, a second later they explode in to fragments, SLaTfatF stides in choaking* must*choak*remember*choak*not*choak*to*coughs horribly*breath in next time *starts breathing normally again* erm hi...I havn't missed any thing important have I?