The Puns contributed

contributed by U133044: A light fixture in our house blew out yesterday and my fiance' told me to call for an Electrician. After going through the phone book, I discovered there were only two in the local area. I told her about both of them.

The first one was a man named Paul Witherspoon and he was listed as a fully liscenced and bonded electrician and a Union member in good standing with over 25 years of experience. The other one was a guy named Hans Reboose and he was simply listed as being a midget.

She told me to just go ahead and call whichever was the best qualified. So I did. When the midget Hans Reboose showed up instead of Paul Witherspoon electrician extrodinaire, she was incredulous. "I can't believe you hired a guy who's only qualification to fix this is he's a midget!" she yelled at me.

"But honey..." I protested "you know what they say...Mini Hans makes light work!"

contributed by U161246: A very very very very seriously rich old guy had four sons and as he neared the end of his days, he didn't know which of them to leave his fortune to. So he bought a huge cattle ranch which he divided into four equal portions. To each son, he gave one part of the ranch which had to be run in competion with the others. The most succesful son after a few years would inherit the remaining fortune. The old guy insisted on calling the ranch "Focus".
When asked why he chose that name he said, "Ah, because that is where the sons raise meet".

also contributed by U161246: There was an African chief who was greatly loved by his people. One day, while out hunting, he was mauled by a lion and he died of his injuries. The chief only had one son, an infant, and he had no other male relatives to rule in the child's place. But the people loved their ruler so much that they didn't want his throne to be used by anybody else until the child was old enough to use it himself. What could they do? None of the huts had doors that could be locked. Finally they decided to hang the throne under the roof of one of the huts. Now, the throne was very heavy and the roof was made of grass, and after a time the roof weakened. One day the roof gave way and the throne came crashing to the ground. Unfortunately, the young king was playing on the floor of the hut and was killed by the impact.

The moral of this story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

contributed by U174804: Several years ago, a friend of mine worked at the Naval Submarine base at Groton, CT. One year, as a gag, he made a gift for a friend of a "Spam" book.

You see, it was one of those blank books, like a journal, but he had filled it with the word spam, over and over again. You know, just like in the sketch. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam.

All it needed were the vikings.

Well, needless to say, he loved it. So did his friends at the Navy base, and it turned out there was a market for something like that. So, he made a deal with the Base commander, that he could use the base's printing press to make copies of these books after hours, as long as he paid for the ink and paper. So, he and his friends at the Base's Monty Python society went into business selling these books. You could order them off the web for $5 bucks apiece.

But, what my friend didn't know was that one of the guys that went in on the deal, was actually leaking sensitive information through the books. He was hiding the messages in the books themselves, tucked right in among the Spams. Now, technically, all papers that go off the base have to be inspected, and the guards tried this with the books, but they'd get through a quarter or so of one of the books, and the spams would start to work on them, making them drowsy. And, suddenly, bang, they'd be out like a light. After the first couple of times, they stopped bothering with them.

It was a perfect plan, and the guy could have kept on doing it indefinitely, if the pressure hadn't gotten to him and he confessed to the authorities.

You see, nobody inspects the Spammish repetition.

(I can't take credit for this. It's actually one of the winners of the annual save the pun competition. Well, an interpretation. I did read it a few years ago.)

contributed by U38014: Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:
There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few beers.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets to that point, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the bassists were loaded,
and the score was tied.

contributed by U97672: According to the US comedian Bill Hicks, "you can't even see the road!" from the window of the Book Depository Store from where Lee Harvey Oswald supposedly shot JFK. He claims that not even if Owsald was hanging by his toes from the windowledge could he have made the shot. Unless pigeons carried him theres NO WAY he made that shot.

Mind you, there were rumours of Anti-castro pigeons drinking in a bar, heard to say 'coup'

And lastly, a site I found..... full of puns, of course.