h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It could happen to anyone - and, to be honest, there is nothing currently in place that can prepare you for the experience. The Guide, however, is the only solace for the budding traveller who wants to be prepared for absolutely everything.

This article cites references and gives you the basic facts about how to see the light of day once more.

http://www.h2g2.com/A449345

tee hee hee.

I like this - tell me, is any of your research based on personal experience?

- Adam

Given the evidence - and the fact that I'm damned pale already - I think I spot of field testing might be in order without much risk of serious, and apparent, disfiguration. I think the Guide is a worthy mouthpiece for all those little fact that you've been afraid to ask up to now - like 'What happens if I'm swallowed by a whale?'.

So you may look forward to - 'Will my blanket really protect me from that midnight marauder?', 'How do you avoid attracting the attention of Trolls under the Bridge?' and 'How do you feed thousands when you've only got bread and fish paste to hand?'.

"In perpetual fear of being swallowed whole/Beached in the suburbs in the body of a whale" - 'Spastica' by Elastica

*grin* I like that!

That's not a very good prognosis, though... have you considered smacking the stomach walls till you get thrown up? Can whales throw up?

{and how would you persuade it to throw you up on a beach rather than next to Davey Jones' Locker?}

Whales have an incredible excretion system which handles urine more potent than sea water for impurities and salts. I have not seen anything that relates to Whale Vomit. Their digestive system consists of numerous connected chambers, so wherever you end up will be deep inside the Whale and, most likely, beating around inside will only serve to cause mild discomfort and greater chance of you losing most of the skin layers on your hands to the ravages of the creatures gastric acids.

I've been out on the ocean many a time with my charter fishing dad and his father, and every once in awhile there will be slime on the surface of the water. Once I asked what it was, and they answered: "Whale Barf". Whether they were kidding or not is a different question entirely...

I like this entry. It is amusing and yet factual.

You don't mention anything about Pinocchio and the whale, Monstro. As far as I remember, Giapetto was eaten by the whale, Pinnocchio went to rescue him and got swallowed too. They lit a fire to make the monster sneeze and escaped.

Some spelling mistakes:

a large marine creatures (remove s)
marine creatures bellies (add apostrophe after creatures)
it's gullet (its gullet)
that reality (than reality)
it's tail (its tail)
it's stomach (its stomach)
value (should this be valuable?)
effected (affected)


Good work!

This post has been removed.

oh, then again...

same source: "Usage Note: Affect1 and effect have no senses in common. As a verb affect1 is most commonly used in the sense of “to influence” (how smoking affects health). Effect means “to bring about or execute”: layoffs designed to effect savings. Thus the sentence These measures may affect savings could imply that the measures may reduce savings that have already been realized, whereas These measures may effect savings implies that the measures will cause new savings to come about."

{*throws his hands in the air in despair at the English language*}

Clearly this is what happens when you don't study English hard enough - or spend far too much time in the close company of far too many reference books. Would anyone like to discuss the article again?!

What is your source for the James Bartley story? How credible is it? Are there any other reliable accounts of people being swallowed by wales and surviving? This is an entertaining idea, but I think you need to bolster the argument a little bit. After all, if you are contending that crawling out of the belly of a whale is potentially a real life experience, you will need to arm yourself against cynics, who might be inclined to say that this is a fairy story and heap ridicule on it. Can you provide any scientific documentation that there have been wale snack survivors or that it is, at least, possible to be one? Alternatively, you could treat the idea as a persistent theme in myth, and explore that.

JTG

References have been expanded - all 19th century, but with some recent written support. Also some more modern reference to the agressive nature of some species of whale.

Good stuff! I can't believe I managed to mistake large marine mammals with the land of dragons, coal mines and rarebit. Boy, am I embarassed.

JTG

You were clearly thinking about A424242 - Surviving Going Caravaning In Wales!!

Yes... that's right... I was... ahem. Which also provides a completely plausible explanation for misspelling 'embarrassed'.

JTG

By the way there appears to be some chance that the Bartley story ISN'T credible - which means I'm thankful you brought it up and I looked into other sources further. I think I will, therefore, forgive you for spelling embarrassed wrong.

Phew... thanks.

JTG

Not sure who's responsible yet, but thanks very much for recommending this article to editing. It gives me new hope and the belief that anything is possible if you put your mind to it (including escaping from the guts of a massive marine mammal!).

How the hell did you get wind of that?

Anyway, dear Apprentice, you'll be pleased to know that indeed everyone who matters thinks this article is great, really nifty and yes-yes-y'all, and it will be included in the Edited Guide, for sure. It may take some time as you will understand, but that will only make the rapture deeper when you see your entry basking on the front page.
Keep up this fine production, puh-lease.

prez