Christmas Vogon Poetry Competition 2008
Christmas Preparations, 10th Century BC
Here's something to prove that nothing is new.
Ancient Judea had a Credit Crunch too.
Or wherever it was that Solomon held sway.
(Yeah, I should have checked with Gnomon, but I didn't, OK?)
Now in matters financial, our Sol's a straight bloke
Who never dyes his eyebrows, not even for a joke.
So even though his punishments are sometimes robust
His idea of justice is just being just.
Before him today, in his palace delectable,
Are two of his subjects, and not the most respectable.
One's a banker, whose garments are nifty.
Though he smells OK, he's obviously shifty.
The other one's some kind of oik from the sewer
With clothing in rags and odour impure.
If you cut him in two (something Sol enjoys doing)
He'll probably have 'sub-prime' written right through him.
'Now let's get this straight,' says Solomon the Wise,
Regarding the banker with weariness in his eyes.
'You're refusing to give this...person...credit,
'Cos the chances of being paid back are...well...forgeddit?'
'Precisely, sire!' says the usurer, grinning.
(At this stage of the proceedings, he thinks that he's winning).
But Sol strokes his beard. Things aren't looking good.
This year they won't lend, whereas last year they would.
It's all got too public, these tricks of the wealthy.
Getting rich off the poor is fine while it's stealthy,
But trust in state finances has to be restored.
He should make an example that can’t be ignored.
Sol briefly entertains cutting the banker in two,
But that's so last-week. It simply won't do.
Then suddenly he smiles. This is going to be hilarious.
As usual Sol's come up with an answer nefarious.
He turns to the oik. 'Stand up straight and don't grovel!
So if you can't pay, you'll be thrown out your hovel?'
The oik just nods and smells even distincter
As the glory of the surroundings takes its toll on his sphincter.
'Then you shall live in the bank!' declares Sol with glee.
'Lenders and their borrowers share everything, I decree!
Anyone who was fit for your credit before
Is hereby a member of your family, by Law!'
The banker shrieks, distraught and broken
But a courtier reminds him the King has spoken.
'Accept the judgement, or leave in two pieces.'
And with that he sets about mopping up the faeces.
Later that evening, as the Law's scribed anew
It's realised that competition rules require a Christmas view.
But Christ isn't born yet, so if after that you hanker,
Find yourself some mistletoe, and go snog a banker.