Here are some of the classic questions that have been asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site.

• Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
• A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

• Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
• A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

• Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
• A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

• Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
  tracks? (Sweden)
• A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

• Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
• A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

• Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
• A: Let's not touch this one.

• Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
• A: Why? We do have toilet paper.

• Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
• A: What did your last slave die of?

• Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
• A: Ask Kevin Costner.

• Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
• A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

• Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
• A: No, WE don't stink.

• Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
• A: Only in camping stores, sports stores, department stores and the great outdoors.

• Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
• A: You are a British politician, right?

• Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
• A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

• Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
• A: Only at Christmas.

• Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
• A: Sure, but wear a snorkel.

• Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
• A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

• Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
• A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

• Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
  round? (Germany)
• A: No, we are peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

• Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
  rattlesnake serum. (USA)
• A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

• Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
• A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

• Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
• A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

• Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
• A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

• Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
• A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

• Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
• A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

• Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
• A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Contributed by Loonytunes

18.09.00. Front Page

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