h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmm - but wouldn't imaginary ones bite as well? If someone was delusional and really believed the creatures existed?!

Maybe I'd better just get up every now and then and get my own nosh/booze!

My only experience with ostriches came at a drive through exotic animal park. They sold these rather large containers of food for the animals. The ostriches would stick their heads inside your car and eat out of the containers. I don't think there is anything quite as angry as a hungry ostrich with his head caught in your car window being dragged along into the llama preserve. The llamas were quite annoyed that the ostrich had eaten so much of the food and spit at the giant bird. At which point the po'd ostrich proceeded to kick the out of the llama. By this time the grandson was bawling and yelling that he had to pee, I was bleeding where I had been nicked by the ostrich right before I rolled up the car window and caught it's head, the son-in-law had exited the car to get a photo of the unfortunate captured ostrich and was swearing at the llama for spitting on his lens, daughter was screaming for son-in-law to get back in the car because a bull moose had just appeared and was heading in his direction and hubby declared that he would never go anywhere with any of us again.

======~~

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night
celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar
Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink...

Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into
the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? ... You can lead a drunk to water but you
can't make him hoarse

When I was driving a truck for .38 Special (a pretty good US rock & roll band), we did a gig at an amusement park in New Jersey that also had a wild animal park you could drive through. So, the bus drivers, the other truck driver, and I piled into the cab of my tractor and convinced the park people to let us drive through there in a Freightliner. They were actually quite cool about it (amazing what a few backstage passes will get you).......anyway, all the ostriches would lean down into cars for treats. The truck and the ostriches were approximately the same height, so they didn't have to bend over.....they just stuck their heads in the window. Somewhere there are pictures of this silliness, but, alas, I don't have them.

ive seen what the ostrich did in the old guiness poster

* at Stagehand's joke*

After watching a programme years ago about what the monkeys at Longleat Safari Park can do to cars, I have always taken the courtesy bus tour. The hightlight of one was a giraffe eating polo mints out of the keeper's hand through the bus window. I doubt I will ever get as close to one again.

ROFL!!!

I always heard that ostriches can kick the c*** out of you, but if you think we need them AND rabbits, then we'd better have them. I wonder if the goat is going to mind?

*Stares at rabbit*

I think it must be French ........


because it's lap'in all my beer up!

Ahem!
Having considered that the ostrich has a brain smaller than it's eye, I engaged the services of a 13 year-old computer wizz-kid. With some acupunture needles and a few yards of bell-wire, the wizz-kid managed to hack into the ostrich's operating system and re-programmed some of the abovementioned minor glitches in it's behavioral matrix. With the co-operation of an entrepid microchip manufacturer we also managed to make a USB memory stick extension, nicely pre-programmed with all standard drinks + cocktails recipes and cunningly disquised as a small, well-fitting baseball cap. We have also managed to adapt an end-of-production-run VCR remote control to permit us to make language adjustments according to the customer's land of origin.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you...SUPERWAITRONBIRD!

*enter beautifully brushed black-and-white feathered (i.e. male) ostrich with lovely legs, wearing a bright red baseball cap and carrying a polished tray on his back*

"Can I take your order now, Sir...*click*...Madam?"

[Aside: Now isn't that better than turning him into sausage meat?]

WR, could you do the same for Linus? Or at least remove his murderous tendancies.

Oooooooooooooooooh. Very nice!

Speaking of homicidal maniacs, what ever happened to Thog? Linus is having a tough time offing all the pizza boys on his own.

*unexpectedly pops up from behind the bar counter*

Happy Birthday Hyp!

Yes, SUPERWAITRONBIRD, I would like a bottle of your best and a glass, please.

And some (obviously)

Thanks!

Ooh, and if it's someone's birthday, better make that lots of glasses and an extra-huge bottle of !

I figured no one would bake me a birthday cake, so I made cupcakes. With Champagne frosting.



Will that be enough for everyone?

*steps out from behind the bar counter, approaches an emtpy table*

*closes eyes*

*concentrates*

*concentrates even harder*



*self-refillable glasses of appear on the table*

*collapses in chair*

Phew - it used to much easier to do that in the good old days!

Thanks for the , Hypatia!

Happy Happy Happy B'day!!! raised to you!

*puts up the bunting and the ballons*

A second Happy Birthday from me

*nabs a and *

You say it's your birthday?