h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'd never thought of it like that...

Bathtub tequila is about the same pH as battery acid - you could use it clean the rust off all those amazing metal bits on your costime - drink that regularly, and you need a stomach buffer.

Interesting, y'know - civilisations develop the first signs of booze technology at about the same time they develop weapons. Unfortunately, the booze technology always loses the funding.

Except for Australia, where our spend on weapons technology is 2% GDP compared with annual spend per capita on beer, which is %23% GDP

...then again, there ARE those who neglect the inclusion of this great land under the category of civilisation...

*hopes that noone takes a closer look at those numbers*

*confident smile*

*licks salt from forearm*
*throws back tequila*
*sucks lemon wedge*

*makes obligatory face*

Not in ierland it diddent. they spend more time and money on booze than bombs. weed killer some hosepipes and a stop wach is all we need.

Hmmmm, wonder if Australia and Ireland could be suffering from post colonisation stress disorder...(rule Brittania, indeed )

*licks, sips, sucks again*

The New Zealand Assistant Minister for Maori Affairs coined the phrase "post colonisation stress disorder" to explain why maoris populate 90 per cent of New Zealand jails

*Kes has thought up a brilliant and witty rejoinder. Unfortunately, he applied too much lemon, and is temporarily puckered*

(Please read that carefully )

*Sound of lips unpuckering*

Ha! That's better - slight case of post-ionisation stress disorder. perhaps I should stick to whisky ... though the salt and lemon make it taste darned odd.

Settling in here alright? Some of the guests are a bit odd ... come to that, so are most of the staff ...

My late grandmother (Marquise de Sade) used to say: "Odd is as odd does"

*thinks hard for a minute, while waiting for tequila fog to lift*

*fog doesn't life*

...or something like that...

*lick, sip, suck*

*Bob who is happly Drinking scoch says to no one in paticula*
Whats normal
*he finishes off the last harlf of the bottle in one gulp and gets himself another*

You know that's a terribly distracting habit?

Quite forgotten what I was going to say. Think I need another drink

*lift, swig,* ... Oh f******* Sorry - forgot the salt.

*looks in alarm at white substance Kes is about to reach for*

Erm, I think I know why the salt tasted odd - that's sugar, you know

*shudders at thought of taste combination*

*gently nudges salt shaker in Kes' direction*

Hope my bubble bath didn't keep you away for too long last night

How is the happy couple in the Bridal Suite?

*reminiscent look, suggestive of memories of first marriage....and second...and third...*

Whats destracting

I don't know, Bob - someone keeps distracting me, and I keep forgetting.

(To Tashalls)

Well, that's all a bit complicated, er. She's barricaded in the room right now, and when she has a drink, instead of relaxing and ... you know , well she starts singing ... very loudly.

In your experience ... is that usual?

hmmmm, that's a tricky one...is alcohol a relaxant or stimulant - or both?

It depends on the type, quality and quantity of alcohol, and of course one's company.

For example, if one were to indulge in, say, five kegs of low grade lager with the entire football team of Manchester United (I'm keeping this culturally in line with surrounds, mind you - I hope you're impressed) one is naturally going to break out into a rowdy rendition of "Here we go, here we go, here we go" or "A million green bottles"

However, if one were in the company of a young, single Adonis with Moet&Chandon while a candle flickers by the bathtub, I know MY reaction is always to ...*clears throat*

but enough about me - if your lady friend is of Latin descent, it may be that aclohol inflames her sensibilities and perhaps for a quiet evening without throwing furniture (or with swinging from furniture, if that's your thing) you need to entice her with cooling fruits such as strawberries or paw paw.

*lick, sip, suck*
*thinks, that was a large post without any alcohol*
*has another lick, sip, suck*

* M.K walks into the veritable sink of depravity... *

* He sees the Australians leading young Bob into desperate ways and swiftly makes a stylish U-turn... *

Busy, busy, busy !!!

Lord M.K*

*shows Kes exactly how to entice a lady with strawberries and paw paw*



*lick, sip, suck*

Oh! I say! ... and that always works? Where did you learn that - no sorry - don't tell me. You mean the paw paw goes there ... I say, doesn't it get a bit sticky? Here let me use a tissue ...

Well, it stops them from singing if you put the paw paw in their mouths

And yes, it does get sticky

*primly accepts tissue from Kes*

*goes for another Tequila, but notices bottle is now empty*

Well, if you will excuse me, I did plan to go down by the lake for a dip

*walks away, throwing Kes a smile and wink*

*Kes is dumbstruck, but nods and attempts to wink - comes out more of a leer, unfortunately. Considers heading for the Lake, but sees the manager beckoning him to Reception

Yes - perhaps see you down there later ... and thanks for the tip about the fruit ... I'll let you know if it ,, well, maybe .

*clatter of high heels
Well! What a mess in here! What's this?
*picks up fruit remains between thumb and forefinger
Didn't anybody clean up in here last night?
Or was there a party and nobody told me?
Thinks: Party! Oh, Heavens! I just remembered!
*dashes round, showing flouncy underwear to anyone looking in that direction...
*mopping, sweeping, tidying,
Soon the Bar is spotless and GB dashes off to the Attic Room...