h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Eating, Digestion, Etc. - A4110805
Author: the_janitor - U1575772



Eating, How To


Hello, this is an entry about eating, how to. This entry will teach you how to eat and the right sort of things to eat. To start of with, if you want to learn how to eat with your hands (uuk!) this is not the place for you. If you want to eat corn on the cob, phone 999 'cause there's no one going to help you here. If you want to learn how to drink, then this is definetly not the place for you. No, because my opinion drinking is one of the worst thing a living/non-living/living-dead can do. Not matter what you drink, it's a sin. Instead this is a place for the civilised area of eating. Using a knife, spoon, fork, or god forbid, ladel, it really doesn't matter what you use but this entry will tell you how to eat and what.

Why Eat?
Eating is a vital part of our health and our lives. Without eating your system breaks down and can eventually lead to death. So as you can see, eating is quite important. There are lots of different things you can eat as well. Eating itself is a fairly easy process and all it involves is contracting some arm and throat muscles and a bit of digestion. As well as this plus in the easyness to eat there is also the benefit of the food actually tasting nice. Sometimes this is not the case, but in most times it is.

What You Need To Eat
You don't need many things to eat, but I will list the essentials. First of all you will need an arm, a body and a mouth/face/hole of some kind to actually eat the food. You will also need muscles to make your extremities work and in some cases, if you like to digest your food, you shall need a stomach. But personally I don't digest food that much nowadays, I just absorb it, but this is for skilled eaters, so I wouldn't attempt it at your level. You will also need some food to eat and some utensils to eat with and a bowel/casket/large hole/well/bucket to contain the food you're actually going to be eating. When you have the things listed above move onto the next section, what to eat.

What To Eat
There are various things someone may eat. These include, one of my personal favorites, human, chicken, beef, cat, horse, kitten, the list goes on. But the best things to eat, would be the most nutritious things. Every person has a reccomended daily allowance (RDA) of a certain typo of food, or a certain typo of the things in the food. So don't get carried away folks!

Eating-The Process
Actually eating is an easy concept when you get used to it, but some people are just natural at the process. First before you eat anything you will need to stretch up and do various warm up actions, otherwise you stand a chance of straining a cheek muscle. After the stretching you need to sit down, because this can be a hard process. First you need to raise your hand towards the spoon/fork/knife/ladel and pick it up. It sounds easy, but it is actually quite hard. It involves various muscle contractions and retractions to move your arm, for five minutes, just practice picking up and putting down your spoon/fork/knife/ladel. After this practice try moving your utensil towards the bowel, or whatever you're using, and picking up some food and moving it towards the orophus which you are deciding to eat through, which, for this guides purpose, shall be called the mouth. Practice this movement for another five minutes and then you are ready for digestion.

Digestion
Digestion is quite easy, easier than the process of getting the food to your mouth, and all you have to do is chew and swallow (which tastes quite nice with fresh german mustard) and your body should hopefully do the rest. If it doesn't, refer to your manual (if you would like a section on swallowing, please make a comment and I will edit this text). After swallowing, the food will move down your neck/tube and land in your stomach If you're not using one, then you have eaten, well done!, of which it will be readily digested and after that, depending on your digestive system it will be broken down and made available to your body.

Well Done!
Well Done! You have now aquired the ability to eat. I hope you will use these methods in the future to give yourself a nice, long and prosperous life and take that away from your food. It was nice talking to you and bye!

Well, janitor,
In your Introduction you told us that you were a boring person. I believe you!
This Entry manages to tell us precisely nothing. It is, perhaps, 'funny' in that respect, but you succeeded if you had set out to bore this particular reviewer!
We should wait and see what your other respondents say. You never know, they may actually like it. But it has been said that the public taste is abyssmal. Your audience here, however, are quite a discerning lot!

f

Hi janitor

I see you are new to h2g2, so welcome.

Peer Review is for entries for the Edited Guide. The Edited Guide is for specific kinds of entries - ones that have a factual basis and are informative.

Unfortunately your entry is not suitable for the Edited Guide.

Have a read of the various pages on writing for the Edited Guide. You might also like to check out the Underguide and the Alternative Galatic Guide which may be better suited to your style of writing. Follow the links from here: <./>Contribute</.>

If you are still interested in writing for the Edited Guide, a good thing to do is to read lots of EG entries as this will give you a good idea of the kind of thing that is required.


Taking the <./>Tour of h2g2</.> is also very helpful in understanding all the different bits of h2g2.


kea.

ps don't get put off by frontierman's rather rude post. There is a place for everyone on h2g2, it's just a matter of finding the right one

Hello kea,
There is nothing rude about my response to this piece. That is my candid opinion. I told janitor that others may like it. I am just stating the facts as I see them!
Isn't that what we're all here for?

f

Hey frontiersman,

My take on Peer Review is that it's important to give people feedback about their writing without putting them off (or putting them or their work down). I think this is especially true for researchers who put work here immediately after joining h2g2 and probably don't understand what PR, the EG etc are.



kea.

OK kea, I take your point.
Perhaps it was a little too 'pointed.'
You know me, I'm always getting on the wrong side of someone lately with inappropriate comments. I must make it a rule for myself to think a little more before expressing an opinion. One never really knows how young and tender our new contributors are. I suppose one has to try to judge from the entry as to whether the writer is aiming to inform or entertain with humour, or merely setting out to annoy us with daft or offensive material which also breaks the house rules. Adult contributors, though, should be strong and realistic enough to take criticism. Even so called newbies. I know we now live in a 'nanny state' but do music or literature critics pull their punches? No!
Going on about having to have fingers and a mouth, teeth and a stomach, in order to eat is trite and perhaps (feebly) humorous I suppose. I eat like the proverbial horse and have no stomach at all, nor much of my intestines! I was expecting to be enlightened, I suppose!

f

Well...nothing round happening round here!

Move back to entry proposed.

No Kat, you're right, nothing at all.

No wonder, when our 'flash' poster talks about eating 'human' as a particular favourite!

I suppose it is an attempt at some kind of humour!

Maybe I'm just getting too old to appreciate today's 'jokes'


f.

Move back to entry seconded Kat. I'll get a new list going

nods