My Life as a Boozy Oaf

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Mystic Munchkin's Totally Mystic Page Of Mystic Horoscopes

Due to unforeseen Inland Revenue circumstances Mystic Munchkin has been unavailable for quite some time. But here he returns, all cases dropped, with his predictions for the year ahead.

Aries ^

Age is an issue at the moment but plastic surgery should not be considered. Just look at the fate of the Lady Cassandra.

Your Mystic Last Human is the Omega Man.

Pisces i

Things are difficult at the moment but a sound thrashing of the Real Ale ought to tide you over until things improve.

Your Mystic Ale is Well's Banana Bread Beer.

Taurus _

As the Train of Foreboding enters the Tunnel of Time to meet the Ned of Ineptitude in his Peugeot of Bling you are best to dress more smartly to avoid confusion.

Your Mystic Radio 4 Panel Member is Tim Brooke-Taylor.

Gemini `

You have been spending a lot of time of late lying down in a darkened room with a damp copy of the Radio Times over your face. May I suggest washing before you leave the house to avoid being mistaken for a minor celebrity.

Other Mystic Listings Magazines are available.

Cancer a

With a General Election hoving into view you will become rapidly bored of all politics. Even your party of choice's strictly evenly balanced allocation of air time will fill you with apathy.

Your Mystic Forebear who died to get you that vote you can't be bothered with is Emily Davison.

Leo b

Ringlets do not suit you this year. Might I suggest a Mullet or Beehive instead.

Your Mystic Clipper Length is 2.

Virgo c

Your long term business plans will be dealt a blow by the return of Magnum PI to our screens in the autumn.

Your Mystic TV 'Tec is Monk.

Libra d

You will become enmeshed in a web of intrigue, murder and soft felt hats should you take that cruise. I recommend holidaying in Dorset instead.

Your Mystic Saint novel is actually written by Leslie Charteris.

Scorpio e

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

I can't rhyme,

And neither can you.

Your Mystic Ivor Cutler track is 'Little Black Buzzer'.

Sagittarius f

Linlithgow, Polmont and Falkirk High may, or may not, soon feature in a journey.

Your Mystic train delay excuse is 'The wrong sort of sheep on the track'.

Capricorn g

Your horoscope this year shows Pluto rising, Goofy falling and Mickey whining. Best to have nothing to do with digital animation in the next twelve months.

Your Mystic Fantasia segment does not feature 'Land Of Hope And Glory'.

Aquarius h

The Aubergine will be a mistake but not to worry, the press will forget as soon as The Chicken War starts.

Your Mystic Claymation moment is still those penguins.

Next Time: Don't forget Who on a Saturday now.

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