h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes, I've saved a fortune in flippers over the years! Thanks for joining in with the pointing and laughing Kimmie!

Where does the "Trainer of Penguins" bit come in then Deakie?

That's the bit where she trains penguins!!

god you men just don't catch on very quick!

Long story!! In short has to do with my best mate, some guy who trains dolphins for a living and fishy fingers!! Nuff said!

Stu - webbed feet didn't do Ian Thorpe any damage!

For no other reason than you may find these amusing (especially GDW)

Useful Military Warnings:


1. "Aim towards the Enemy". - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

2. "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

3. "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

4. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

5. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

6. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

7. "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

8. "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

9. "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

10. "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

11. "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

12. "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

13. "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

14. "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

15. "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

16. "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

Pmsl Spit!!

Roflmao!

I especially like Number 16!!

In a similar vein, things heard spoken by flight crews on aeroplanes:

1. Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em!

2. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave this plane.

3.Please make sure you take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4.Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

5. To operate your seatbelt, insert the tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works the same as every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

6. This airline is pleased to have some of the best flight crew in the world. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.

7. After a very hard landing: Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the emergency sirens have been silenced, we'll open whats left of the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. We hope you enjoyed your flight!

Hee hee! That one's even better!

Stu (wiggling his webbed toes)

Can you wiggle the webbed ones or do they just kinda flap in the wind?

They do wiggle, but of their own accord. They've a mind of their own! !

You're beginning to scare me now!

You're scared, how do you think I feel? !

FPMSL - they are just pure class!

i don't think people with flying phobias would laugh so much tho!

Stu - you could be like that man who hang glides in a lycra webbed suit!

This one is a variation on an old theme:


How to shower like a woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.



How to shower like a man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again

In the shower line, I got this emailed to me the other day, its very long but worth it!

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.


Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

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Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night: You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

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Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Oh Deakie - you just cheered up my day.

I aim to please!

Deakie & Spit, ! Especially the showering thing - too true!