h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Curses, I just missed an opportunity to take lessons in 'How to become a beach bully'. I *could* have kicked myself...

We'd prefer not to have a beach bully, thankyou very much

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Well I was only going to beat myself up - those professional beach bullies charge a fortune for it you know.

That's okay, then, but wouldn't you rather buy an ice-cream or enter a sandcastle competition etc?

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Of course, but only so that someone could push my face into them (ice cream and sandcastle, preferably both at once). I've a reputation as a seven stone weakling to keep up, don't you know, and I've already done enough damage to it by weighing ten and a half. Life on the beach isn't always a beach - ask any British holiday maker trying to build sandcastles out of pebbles.

That's because many holiday-makers go to the wrong beaches. I've yet to see a decent beach in Sussex, and I've been to Eastbourne, Worthing, Hastings, Brighton and Bexhill and various bays in between.
If you want a proper beach there's only one place to go:
The Isle of Wight.

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Excuse me for butting in but there is Bournemouth in one direction and Camber Sands in the other.

Littlehampton in between was sandy when I was last there about 10 years, but that could have changed of course.

Don't forget the Witterings, there is sand there, as well as some pebbles.

But you know how we have to have some thing to moan about to make a day at the seaside complete, apart from the rain, flies and seagulls!

If it is too sunny the 99s melt before you can get them back to the family.

Borunemouth isn't bad, but my favourite beach in Dorset has to be Swanage, and I confess that I haven't been to the Witterings.
But I've been to many beaches, and never seen one as nice as my own Sandown Bay. My fiance once went to Tenneriffe and sent me a postcard back saying that the beaches there weren't as nice as Sandown Bay.

But then, that's my view.
I always complain about the tourists.

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Ah Sandown - scene of many a happy childhood holiday. You're right, Bluebottle, about its gorgeosity if memory serves. There again, I remember the wee holiday camp on the cliffs above as being a paradise too and I dare say it's not. I once lost an action man's boot in the sea there, and I've wondered over the years if someone in France ever found it washed up and took it to be the shrunken remnants of some poor soul lost to the waters.

Brighton beach is horrid but then Brighton is a great town that just happens to be next to the sea. At least the beach is haunted by the beautiful ghost of West Pier - I pray they don't exorcise it in renovation.

I have only ever been to Cowes, but have heard from friends from that Sandown is beautiful.

This is where the campaign for a proves the need, a good old fashioned beach holiday lives on for ever in memories.

One of my favourites used to be Avon Beach at Mudeford, but some one decided to install groynes and within three years the beach was no longer sand. The pebbles had taken over.

I agree with you entirely about Brighton. We don't go for the beach, we go for the food!

I quite like groynes aesthetically, especially when old and weathered (see The Ghost and Mrs Muir for a beautiful use of groynes as indicator of time passing). However, to have them installed on one's favourite beach and see it transformed into pebbles must be a kick in the... I'll leave you to complete that pun for yourself. You definitely get the impression most of the time that the Powers That Be are meddlin' wi' forces they bain't know nothin' about.... Or did they intend to create a pebbled beach and spoil everybody's fun?

Having said that, watching someone walk across stones in bare feet is quite amusing - they instantly achieve the graceful stylish gait of the Tracey brothers.

..Especially when they cut themselves on broken glass

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