h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Out of laziness, I repeat what I said in the forum:

Here is the ultimate collection of instructions for use by idiots:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessertprinted on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (Gotta keep those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts. (the third time that one's been mentioned)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

I think you only gain intelligence in the field of the science by growing a beard-think about it-all the paelontologists/arceologists/egyptologists etc you've ever seen have beards-coincidence?
a little off the point but you get the gist..right?
but since these people are only isolated incidents studied by natural geographic they don't really count.

Where ~did~ you find all those Trllian's child?
Oh, it says... (D'oh!)

*agrees with Khetil*


¦M¦

Someone sent me the whole lot as an e-mail once. I just saved it for you lot.

Wow! Thank you! I (if only me) feel very privileged! They're brilliant! Even my Dad laughed at them!


¦M¦

I got a new game for my playstation (stay with me..all will become clear) and in the instructions it says "step 1:insert game. step 2:switch power to 'on' ".Y'see thats what I've been doing wrong all this time...I forgot to put the game in and switch it on...
I hope you don't mind but I copied the instructions...now thats comedy...heh...

there should be a jury clep exam composed of questions like this. Going back to the law but no justice comment. If you belive that a pacage of nuts contains nuts raise your hands?(Mmm what kind of nuts) the problem with languages is that they always wait too long to teach them too you, and words can morph into ambiguous misunderstandings eaisily.

If the really "smart"(snigger) people continue to use a word wrong it will eventually become correct.Thats the problem with todays world...our "smart"people are too stupid...

After all, look what happened to the word 'gay'!

¦M¦

On "Super Soaker" ride at Theme park - Warning, you may get wet on this ride.

On AppleMac - "Do not Tumble-Dry" (And that's after you've put it in the washing machine)

tumble dry a computer?
Don't you just know that someone,somewhere tried deleting files to make their laptop lighter...

And someone tried using small fonts to take up less room on a floppy.

I think the Dolphins have got the right idea...

I think cats have the best idea. They get fed and taken care of because of their cutness, and if they do anything wrong people say "It's only a cat" or "Ah, it's so cute". Cats are independant, and aren't expected to do menial tasks like fetch sticks like dogs do.

someone should ask greebo (shes a cat-an A.C.E. here at h2g2 if you don't know her)
cats were gods to the egyptians,y'know.maybe the egyptians were smart enough to recogise a good idea?

Do you know what her User number is (Greebo, not the Egyptians)? What about all the stuff about the Egyptians being aliens?

greebo was the A.C.E. that greeted me,so I clicked on the link to her home and I got "u65771"
about the egyptians being aliens-it makes sense as they seemed to be intelligent-so therefore they must be aliens.

Oh, they must be aliens. The sphinxes look pretty freaky as well...

I reckon in a couple of years all the UFO sightings will stop for a perfectly simple reason.The T.V signals of all the present earth "television" will eventually (traveling at the speed of light) get to the planet.At which time they will see how hopelessly unintelligent earth is and call back their spaceships