My Life as a Boozy Oaf

2 Conversations

Time Bream1

'And welcome back to this special Time Team dig in Bob Monkhouse's Joke Archive where we are heading over to trench two where I believe Phil has found something very interesting. ... Phil?'
Ooo arr arr Zider arr, feather in me 'at, arrrrr, look at that, ooo arr.'
'And what do you make of it Mick?'
'Well Tony it is quite clearly an Early Anglo Saxon "Britain needs more lerts" joke. Really quite rare and an astonishing find.'
'So, a lerts joke, some Middle Ages Welshman jokes and some very interesting geophys which may turn out to be some of Britain's earliest limericks. Join us after the break to see what it all means.'

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'Welcome back. Since we showed you that beautifully preserved "lerts" joke a bit of an argument has blown up. Mick is convinced that these old jokes, along with the geophys and the medieval documents we found, indicate that this was a major site of British Guffawing in the Middle Ages. However, Ken Dodd, our local expert, is refusing to give up on his dream. Mick?'
'Its quite clear, Tony, that the geophys indicates, to me, that this was a large temple, stretching all the way to that cupboard over there and back across to this filing cabinet. The sighting of all our finds in Phil's trench...'
'... makes me believe this was where the main altar was.'
'And Ken's theory?'
'I still believe it is not an altar. If we work from my hypothesis, and the remains of a tickle stick discovered behind that bed in 1872, that this was a major Diddymen settlement, then this has all the classic looks of a defensive fortification for their settlement.'
'Well, it doesn't look like they are going to agree yet, so Victor has agreed to do two artists impressions. This one shows how the area might have looked if occupied by the Cult of Humour and this one, if we follow Ken's theory. Perhaps we shall find the definitive clue on Day Three.'

Je t'aime ...
je parle le bien chat...
Horreur de la musique...
Le singe et une imbecile de ping pong...
Gerard Depardieu avec une poisson chaud.
Gibberish! The new fragrance by Chancers of Paris.

'Good morning and welcome to Day Three of this extraordinary dig. After last nights disagreement it was agreed to close of trench's one and three and open a new trench by the sideboard where Mick and the Geophys guys hope to find the remains of a custard pie-arium. Meanwhile Phil continues to dig. How's it going Phil?'
'Arrr ooo, deep down, arrr, Saxon layer, eee ooo arr, pieces of, ooo arr arr, bladder on a stick. Then there be these lovely couple of bells, oh me zider arrrr, and a juggling club, thrapple me combine 'arvester if it ain't. Arrr, classic court jester material this, arr oo arr, and right in the heart of the Medieval period, ee ay ee ay o. You couldn't a(rr)sk for clearer dating.'
'Indeed. So, does this mean you agree with Mick's theory of this being an ancient temple?'
'Oooo aye, arr. He pays me ziderin wages don' 'e.'


'But suddenly, there is a loud commotion over in the new trench. What have you got there Phil?'
'I'm afraid it is something I didn't expect. If you look at this burnt patch here and the way these bigger, heavier stones curve round this way it is becoming quite clear to me that we have some form of strong wall, probably a fortification.'
'So Ken was right then?'
'Ho, yus, tickle me pink if I'm not. Yippee!'
'Yes, yes, the tickle stick waving buffoon is right.'
'And there you have it. A rare Diddy Man Fortress of Wit found under this old comedian's bedroom floor. See you next time.'

Next Time: No Diddy Men were harmed during the filming of this article.

My Life as a Boozy Oaf Archive


09.12.04 Front Page

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1A major new Channel 4 series in which Tony Robinson investigates our history with the aid of an Intergalactic Time Travelling Fish

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