Running With Scissors

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'Over the River' is a traditional (US) Thanksgiving Day song. We here present an annotated and condensed version.

Over the river and through the woods,

Actually the woods were bulldozed three years ago to make way for the Interstate 565 Highway Bypass.

to Grandmother's house we go.

Actually Grandmother is living in a condo with a man 16 years her junior whom she refers to as 'Sugar Lips'. You will pretend not to know this when you arrive.

The horse knows the way

Global positioning system...

to carry the sleigh

... came factory-installed in your 2005 Hunka-Hunka Monster Truck (the Elvis model).

through the white and drifting snow.

Actually white snow was last spotted in the US on 26 January, 1953 in Flaming Gizzard, Idaho.

Over the river and through the woods —

Different woods, same fate.

oh how the wind does blow!

Global warming.

Hurrah for fun!

Uncles Mel and George, Cousins Rob, Little Rob and Not-so-Little Rob, and Sugar Lips are in the den watching a football game. The ladies are all crammed in the kitchen gossiping and getting a head start on the wine. Uncle Jed and your sh*t-for-brains brother-in-law are outside rehashing the election; their arguments are becoming louder and less cogent as they work their way through a couple six-packs of beer. Your sister's bratty kids have been ominously quiet because they have discovered Sugar Lips's stamp collection and are busy pasting the stamps all over the bathroom walls. Aunt Lydia has you cornered in the living room, where you'd gone to hide from your mother and wants to know why you're not married yet. Your grandmother's cat is also hiding and will get a bit of its own back late tonight when it pretends not to know what the litter box is for.

Is the pudding done?

Done and on the way, thanks to 'Two Gals and a Van Caterers', along with the roast turkey, oyster stuffing, green bean casserole and assorted dinner rolls. (Uncle Mel's dog, which he refused to put outside, will grab the turkey when no one is looking and eat two-thirds of it before anyone notices. The dog will reconsider its action a few hours later when it discovers that the oyster stuffing does not sit well.)

Hurrah for the pumpkin pie!

'Where are the pies?'
'I thought you were bringing the pies.'
'No, Aunt Edna was bringing the pies.'
'No, she was bringing the cranberry relish.'
'I was what, dear? I didn't hear you.'
'The pies, Aunt Edna!'
'My eyes are fine, please don't shout.'...

Bonus: Aunt Edna's Incredibly Easy Pumpkin Pie


  • 1 16-oz can of cooked pumpkin
  • 1 14-oz can sweetened condensed milk (not evaporated milk)
  • 2 eggs
  • spices to taste (cinnamon, cloves, allspice)
  • 1 9-inch unbaked deep dish pie shell


  1. Preheat oven to 425°F/220°C/Gas Mark 7.
  2. In a large bowl, mix the pumpkin, milk, and spices. Add eggs and beat filling until smooth.
  3. Pour the filling into the pie shell.
  4. Bake the pie for 15 minutes, then reduce oven temperature to 350°F/180°C/Gas Mark 4. Bake pie for another 40 to 50 minutes or until a knife inserted near the centre comes out clean.
  5. Remiove from oven and allow to cool. Store leftover pie in refrigerator (do not freeze, as the filling will separate from the crust).

Happy Thanksgiving to those in the US, and Happy 'It's Only a Month Until Christmas — Time to Start Shopping' to everyone! smiley - yikes

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