h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Is it possible the only reason we have not suceeded on the exacting science of alchemy is because we no longer believe it is possible.... I believe I have suceeded in alchemy... After all this morning I had a lead pencil on my desk, this afternoon I have a gold pen on my desk, strangely it seems as though my work-mate is now missing his gold pen, but has a lead pencil instead....

OH, and just to break the rules...

*SPIT*

Alchemy means a lot to me. There is a club in Chester, UK (where I go to college) and my housemates (NOT ME) stole a huge banner with the word ALCHEMY on it it big white letters (but the background's black so that's okay). This is the first thing I see when I get up in the morning. I wouldn't mind but the club's no good. As for the whole changing lead into gold thing... I really don't know... what's wrong with lead?

Lead is not very good for the Body.
For an exemple, when you drink some water with too many lead in it, you can get sick.

And if you chew pencils you get splinters

But not from retractable ones! Although, you're lucky if you get lead out of them either!

But if you drink too much Goldschlager (show-off liqueur with flakes of gold foil in it), you also get sick.

Doesn't sound like progress to me.

And please, nobody start about the lead in pencils not being lead. We know. Though, interestingly, we CAN turn that lead into diamonds - potentially worth even more per tonne than gold, and about equally useful.

My mum used to make remarks like 'It will put lead in your pencil'. I don't know, but I think she was being rude (how unlike my mother).

As for alchemy, everyone just remembers alchemist trying to turn lead into gold, but no one ever talks about them being the first back yard designer drug makers. Heck they played around with acid for a long time.

Pencils contain graphite, not lead. Mind you 'He's got no graphite in his pencil' doesn't trip neatly off the tongue, does it?

Of course we can turn graphite (or coal) into diamonds. Unfortunately it requires such phenomenal amounts of pressure, heat, etc., that it's not economically viable. We just have to let Mother Nature do it for us, taking her own sweet time, as usual.

Just like a typical mother. Oh well if we were to make it economically viable to make diamonds, then the value of them would drop. So I guess leaving Mother Nature to do it would be wise.

The Alchemist tried to make two things. By placing a metal under a flame for many years, the metal would eventually turn into gold. Actually, it would have two parts. The solid part would be the Philosopher's stone (a scrape of that in any metal and it'll turn into gold) and the liquid part the Elexir of Longevity (SP?). You should read the book 'The Alchemist' by Brazilian author Paolo Coehlo. It's a philosophical kind of book based on the author's study of alchemy.

I don't pretend to know even a millionth of all there is to know about alchemy, but as President of the Newly formed Crackpot Secret Sciences Committee it is my duty to look into it... For anyone that's remotely interested in the real nature of alchemy, and not all that baloney about lead and gold, please check out A248230: Alchemy, which was submitted today by the CSSC's number one writer, which is me, and proofed by the CSSC's editor, also me.

I look forward to your comments in due course.

CD4
President, CSSC