h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Wired Coffee - A31444788 Author: BeowulfShaffer - U10890736 This is my first artical and just got out of the Writing workshop the thread from there is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/F57153?thread=5467280

Hello BeowulfShaffer and welcome to PR
I've already read your article while it was in the EGWWand just letting you know I'm here as well.
This looks like an excellent addition to the Guide, and I'm looking forward to reading the feedback of the reviewers here.

for all (on the house)

GB (<./>Scout</.&gt

Greetings BeowulfShaffer

I agree that this has the makings of a good entry

You seem to have most of the things needed for an entry about places to eat or drink etc: what does it do, what is it called, how good is it, where is it - I particularly like the way you point out a landmark to make it easier to find; very useful for out-of-towners.

One thing you could add is a guide to how much things cost there. Don't put actual prices as these soon go out of date, but put something like: "Pastries offers good value" (if that's the case), or "More expensive than some, but offering a quality product and service" - whatever suits the place.

You still need to make the there/their correction that you queried in the EGWW thread and which one of my fellow Scouts replied to. If you have trouble with these getting mixed up, you might try to remember this:

>THERE was no point in trying to squeeze THEIR bodies through the narrow gap THERE in the fence.<

Good effort

Hi BeowulfShaffer, I agree with what has been said her.

There are a few things that need some work, for example there is a repition in the introduction and the first paragraph. I'm currently too tired to be able to suggest something useful to alter that, though. Maybe you can think of something yourself.

I added some price information and fixed the their/there issue. I see what B'Elana means about the repition but am not sure how to fix it. I was just up there and had their machta green tea lemonade which is very good but I am not sure if it is unusal enough that there is any point in putting it into the article. Any thoughts on that one?

Yes, definitely add that.

Repetition - you try something like this:

>>They offer all of the normal coffee shop fare, along with House Specials and some pretty good scones.

The Fare

As well as coffee, tea, gelato, sorbetto, and baked goods, they also offer many drinks made from these ingredients like quakes (gelato shakes) and other food types like sandwiches and soups. One of the House Specials is a tasty treat called The Wired Thing, a two-chocolate chip cookie with gelato in the middle, but this is only available in summer.<<

See what you think

How is this.

I also added a link.

You describe the furniture and decor in great detail, it might be worth to add something like: 'at the time of writing' (maybe in a footnote, if you know how to do them), because they could decide (even if it's not likely) to redecorate it all next year.
You mention the TV several times: isn't it too loud and obtrusive as to disturb/prevent conversations? Who chooses the program?

It attualy doesn't cause many problems but I was just about to log off and probaly should have done so awhile back so the explaintion will have to wait till tommowor

That's fine, all in your own good time.

I'm away now, too.

Does this footnote explain it well enough.

They finaly named their logo so I added that information plus the meaning of the name.

You say: *They have their own coffee label which has recived good reviews from publications and customers.*

Could you put a link or two to these reviews?

Oh' and I've just noted the spelling error above *recived*.
Yay! At last I get to use my 'Nit-Picker Thingy' purchased on E-bay from a reliable source...

Sorry, here's some other spelling errors picked out by the N.P.Thingy:

"The prices are *resaonable* by local standards which are in turn pretty cheap compared to most of the UK and the big *Amrican* *cites* like New York ."

"1 *Basicaly* House *Specails* but their name sounds better."

" but the staff will *usulaly* change the *chanel* if whoever is using the nook asks."

Is this good?

Yes this is better with the spelling fixed up.
There are a couple of things you might want to look at though and maybe change:

*They have their own coffee label which has received good reviews from customers and publications publications like Java Journal.*

Publications used twice here, you only need to use it once.

*The staff is very friendly and tend to know a lot about their regulars and about there products. *

I'd suggest: The staff *are* very friendly, know their regulars and *their* products.
Or you could try...The staff are very friendly, know what their regulars like and they're knowledgeable about the shop's products.


One more passage doesn't quite read right(to my eyes anyway):

*and several blue armchairs (some of which have attached swivel trays to set drinks and food on) *

to my mind it should read something like this:

...and several blue armchairs(some of which have swivel trays attached to set food and drink upon)

I'm not very good at grammar and hopefully someone who is will come along soon and cast their eye over this.

The entry makes me want to hop on down to the Wired Coffee Shop right now, such is it's allure.

Cheers

I think you can buy some of their coffee and stuff with their logo online though that really isn't the same. Hmm. I should probably try to work that in to the article but its pretty late were I am so I'll probaly put it off till the morning.

Hi there I like this entry but I've come across a few pointers

In America I presume?

Lose the double quotation marks and opt for single ones instead.

Footnotes should directly follow the last letter so change

<<scones.The white chocolate and raspberry with green tea is great>> to
<<sconesThe white chocolate and raspberry with green tea is great.>>

Why is it only available in summer? do question what you write

What is 'steeping'?

Repetition of the word 'publications'

Please put a space before and after the brackets

Be careful of big long sentences.

Re-read what you write

<> – change 'is' to 'are'