h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: How to get rid of someone who you don't particularly like, who's trying to talk to you - A31207259
Author: flyingford_prefect - U10845568

Occasionally at a party etc, someone who you don't know terribly well and/or who you don't particularly like, will come up to you and try to have a conversation with you. When this happens and you want to get rid of them quickly here's what to do:

1. Answer as many questions as possible in monosyllables.
2. Avoid asking questions which are going to make them talk to you.
3. Only ask questions if it is extremely impolite not to. For example: How are you? Fine, how are you?
4. Nod occasionally and avoid looking at the person too much.
5. Aha is also acceptable as it polite enough but doesn't encourage them to talk to you.
6. Eventually they will run out of things to say. When they do, don't think of something to say to fill the silence.
7. Let the awkward silence stretch out...
Tip: Do not feel awkward in the silence. If you do you will probably try to think of something to say.

For Example

Person 1: Hi (insert name)! How are you?
Person 2: Fine. How are you?
Person 1: so what have you been doing lately?
Person 2: Not much.
Person 1: Right. Seen any of your friends or anything?
Person 2: Not really.
Person 1: Cool.
(awkward silence)
Person 1 runs metaphorically screaming from the awkward silence to find someone a little more talkative.

Above all be as polite as possible. You just want them to go away, not to hate you forever. If they have something genuinely interesting to say just listen to them. If they are very persistent just nod and say "aha" occasionally. Also remember you don't want to alienate yourself.

Note: This is only for people who you don't like. Don't do this to your friends if you don't want to talk to them. They're your friends, you have to put up with them.

I surprised myself by rather liking this entry. It possibly breaks all kinds of style guidelines but to anyone who has travelled this advice is effective and lucid.

The only point I would make is that in the example:

Person 1: Hi (insert name)! How are you?
Person 2: Fine. How are you?

Person 2 has inadvertently asked a question back that could lead to all sorts of rambling replies. I, personally, prefer an effusive, chirpy and very positive "Fine" to make people remember me as being very 'up' but it doesn't offer anything back.

I too rather like this entry , although personally, rather than a chirpy "fine", I prefer a rather depressed, and definitely bored-sounding "alright".

The number of people who actually want an honest answer to "How are you?" are pretty low, and if the bored "alright" is sincere enough sounding, it makes it even harder for them to give a damn for long enough to respond - as well as saying how they are, they might decide to ask you why you are the way you are, if you're "fine". Dangerous.

So that's what happens - and I always thought other people were just plain boring, or naturally taciturn.

I favour replying with - "This is as good as I get." Whilst loking serious and offended.

thanks! i'll remember those suggestions!
i think i'll put a note in afterwards about other options as well.

I found this an entertaining entry that gives interesting information that people don't usually think about when someone they don't like comes up to them. Though i Find that when person 2. say How are you, person 1. would of had the chance to talk for a long time saying about how they were, how the family is doing, the dog getting ran over ect. Apart from that a short and sweet entry!

I liked this too. My only addition would be advising maintaining an inane pleasant expression throughout - unless you do want to give offense.

I don't know what you all are talking about. That's how most of my conversations naturally flow

This is a fine entry

My standard reply to 'How are you?' is usually 'Vertical' when I am, 'Somewhat vertical' if I'm sitting.

What about for people who really can't take a hint?

Seeing someone across the room that you simply must speak to and excusing yourself.
Suddenly remembering an appointment that you're about to miss. (Which would have the ramification of having to leave a party, but works well when you bump into such a person on the street).
Answering your cell phone, whether it was ringing or not (could've been on silent or vibrate), and excusing yourself to take this important call.

I quite like this too.

Have you updated the suggestions here, flyingford_prefect/wonko?

Maybe a few suggestions for the trickiest bit - avoiding feeling awkward during the awkward silence.

For instance, you could try to count (in your head obviously) the other persons eyelashes or wrinkles/laughter lines. This will result in you appearing to be gazing right through your adversary, or possibly slightly blind, but either way, it should result in considerable disconcertion.

Or is that just overcomplicating things?

There you go Galaxy Babe, everything updated. plus extra!

I usually find replying to the "How are you?" line with "Great, ever since I accepted Christ into my life. Have you found Jesus?" works rather well.

Nice entry. Needs tidying re spelling and such-like, but I like it

spelling mistakes? i pride myself on excellent spelling!!!

Apologies Wonko, you're right. I must have been particularly bleary eyed when I first read it. There do appear to be some grammatical errors, but I'm the last person in the world to be correcting those

Thank you for adding "Great, ever since I accepted Christ into my life. Have you found Jesus?" I must confess I once got rid of a host of Jehovahs Witnesses (is that the correct collective noun? it seems appropriate) by confessing that I was a medium and I could commune with their ancestors if they wanted any messages passing on.

Style-wise you could remove the double-quotes, replacing them with single-quotes, (a great help for the sub-ed), while you're awaiting a Scout visit