h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I believe there is a lovely little shop called Umbrellas R Us in Tunbridge Wells, England.

Mops R Us has a branch in Tunbridge Wells, Tasmania, Australia

I'd gladly drop by both, but feel an amount of concern boarding any airplane in that time frame. And a boat would simply be a bit slow, especially if laden with fallen felines and collapsed canines.

After intensive study I am pleased to report it is not going to be any trouble getting the planes up. It is getting them down again in the right locality that could cause problems.

I believe the inventers of the Viagra pill are working hard on this vexatous problem.

The worlds going to end in the next 6 seconds...

Wow! did you see that! the world ending was brilliant. Lucky those little green aliens put the world back together in exactaly the same way within a nano-second so nobody but me could tell...

I HATE when ppl do that. Putting the world back together when it made the concious decision to explode!! I bet they didn't even consult it first. A simple conversation along the following lines could have helped so much:

LGA (little green alien): Hey Earth, you've been looking a bit blue lately - how's things?
Earth: Not good, I got this 'Human Race' virus and the doctor says there's nothing he can do.
LGA: Gee, that's bad.
Earth: I'll say, they come along and start building all these things, draining me of all my natural resources!
LGA: THE BASTARDS!!!
Earth: Yeah, then they managedd to burn a hole through my ozone layer, which I was using to protect my self from Sol over there. You know, the big yellow guy three seats in front of me. I think he's got it in for me - keeps sending out these solar flares that hit my head and my arse, they really hurt!
LGA: They think they're so good just cos they're biggest! So you tried any natural remedies for this Humans thing?
Earth: Yeah, I tried quakes, floods, tsunamis, all types of diseases but they just start all over again. I even tried putting they're mistakes against them by inventing this 'cancer' thing that comes from the hole in the ozone layer. But there are som many of 'em now, it barely makes a dint.
LGA: Geem that's too bad.
Earth: Yeah, I've been thinking of ending it all. You know cos it'd be the right thing to do, stop it spreading. they've already lest me ya know. Went to Luna over there. Plus they throw all these little things out of the system.
LGA: Are ya sure? I could get some mates around and put you back together later?
Earth: NAh, that's alright. Resilient bastards'd probably come back too.
LGA: I'll miss ya. It's been nice knowing ya Earth.
Earth: Yeah thanks. I'll give ya a few light years to get out of the way right?

Honestly, conversation is a dying art!!

Sometimes the quiet approach works

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside.

The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, the motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad."

As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

Erm, well, they say the world will end sometime before 2240C.E. so I don't see what there is to worry about, since there will be eternal happiness, unless the Vogons choose to end that sooner! Ha ha!

I told you so! The world still hasn't ended, so I don't see what all the fuss is about, besides, he's been dead for a couple of hundred years, so I don't think he'll get upset if the world doesn't end, do you think so? Please tell me if I'm wrong, IS SOMEBODY OUT THERE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?????????

Well I told you so, the world still hasn't ended. By the way, if Ally Ally is reading this, then I just want to say HELLO! Don't you think this web site is funny after all?!
Esti

A creature from the deep crawls in, looks around, slinks away leaving an ominous black inky pool which soon begins writhing....

Top ten reasons why the end of the world should happen:-
* Lawyers
* Paul Daniels TV Shows
* Star Trek (in all of it's goldarned incarnations)
* Synchronised Swimming competitions
* Windows 95 General Protection Faults
* Mondays
* Morning TV programs
* Seventies revivalism
* Car bumper stickers
* Airplane food

Bill Gates. Period.

Oh, and btw... According to another source (a poem written sometime in the thirteenth century (I think) in which twelve out of thirteen predictions came true ... ) the world was supposed to end in 1981. I figure if Ronald Reagan couldn't do it, no one can.

Look, I've just survived one very horrible camp in South West Wales, I thought that was the end of the world. I was homesick-300 miles from home. If I was in Arthur Dent's place, I'd probably die the moment Ford Prefect touched me. I survived. I think the world will end in the next 240 years. If it did, why would we be so bothered? We wouldn't be there to see it. If the world ends, I want it to get on with it before September 7th 1999, so I don't have to go back to school where one of my best friends who thinks that she was kidnapped by aliens last night. I cant take it, but her prediction is that the world will end 2 days later on September 9th. Who also thinks the world will have to go to the grave in 240 years? I'm only 13 and a half years old so I may live to see the world catch some deadly disease called Humanitus. It is when all the humans that live on Earth decide they're fed up that the Vogons haven't made their bypass yet so they will do half of the work for them so maybe they can see the home of Ford Prefect, or go somewhere where moons are bigger so eclipses or longer and darker, or moons are so far away that an eclipse doen't annoy everyone. If the Vogons come to see a total eclipse and change their mind and destroy Venus instead, or Mars, then there will be more tourists, and therefore, the world will not end at all, and Nostrodamus will be known as some idiot trying to scare people to death, or somone who couldn't stand the fact that his body would crumble to nothing. Anyone who follows that dead guy is stupid and I want to prove that the world didn't end just because the moon's shadow passed over us, after all, the insects don't think the world ended after we pass our shaddows over them, nor do they predict it will happen to the very second a hundred years beforehand?

I see you have declared war on paragraphs.

But I liked your thinking about the insects.

I like thinking insects.

At last!
Look, you aren't my teacher! I just can't be bothered, besides, I'm very clever, I go to a school which is in the top 30 schools in this country, plus, if I can handle computers, I must be clever, and my brother works for Dougie so I can do what I like. i have declaired a war on all punctuation in the english language and all paragraphs suck
However, I would like to say thankyou because at last someone is listening to me! By the way, Ally (my friend) has fallen in love with you because you replied to my e-mail!
Esti-Researcher 50436

Hmm.. Oh, I'm sorry. Did someone say something?

Yes, they did. You are another person in my good books, anyone who replies to my postings are. Sorry, butt my brother isn't on my side, and he's told me to be careful what I write, because he's very mean. If you want to know more about him then go to www.tdv.com then click on "people" then "shim". (I'm sorry I don't do html yet, but I'll learn soon.)

While I remember:
1. The vogons haven't arrived yet
2. Tibby Wibby (the most gorgous cat in the world)
3. Ginge (the neighbour's cat)
4. This web site
5. Every living cat
6. Total eclipses (especially solar ones)
7. The earth is beautiful
8. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy film isn't the cinema yet
9. Roast chicken
10. My friends

Top 1 reasons why the world should end:
1. School

Thankyou for your attention.
(btw, Nostradamus is currently in the form of a sack of bones lying in the ground)