h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A banged-up metal door at the side of a random hallway suddenly opens. A green hand pokes out and hangs a sign on the door, then promptly closes it again.*

You read the sign. It says:

UNUSUAL ARTIFACTS AND OTHER ODDITIES
-- THE BEST DEALS IN H2G2! --
STUFF FROM ALL CORNERS OF THE GALAXY

In tiny, nearly indecipherable lettering below that, you read:

Home of The Corrupt One. Kudos isn't here. I swear.

*Wanders in a hole in the wall, which NYC puts back in his coat pocket*

Have anything interesting? Like rare emblems that assure that kinetic weapons never miss?

Well, I haven't finished unpacking... I think there's a box of talismans, if that helps. Lemme find it, and you can dig around in it.

*she hits a pad by a hatchway, and the door slides up with a whoosh. Inside the storage room is assorted boxes, a cot, broadcasting equipment, and a large sleeping alien. She glares at the alien but grabs a box and storms back out*

Take a looksie through there while I fix this place up, will you?

hmm... here's one that ensures you won't be mauled by mountain cats... one that ensures an extra D4 roll of attack if in the company of a troupe of clowns... one that has something to do with "rhino horn" and "dragonlilies"... waitaminute.

That sign, "Kudos isn't here." He isn't here, is he?

*pauses her unpacking*

Well... he *says* he's not here. All I'll say is I'm not responsible for him. Do what you will.

*carries on with unpacking several lethal looking swords of all kinds and sizes, hanging them on special Hero-Proof(tm) racks*

And they still chose to insure you? Wow.

*NYC continues through the box*

Ooh, the golden gun!

*NYC tosses it over his shoulder as he goes. It fires on impact, and the bullet ricochets off three walls, the register, a lamp, and heads straight through the box to hit...*

Ooh, the bullet catcher!

*NYC tosses that over his shoulder*

*The storage room door opens, and Kudos comes out, stretching and yawning. He sees NYC mid-yawn and freezes.*

Umh... yeah... how'reyoudoing...

*He rushes out the shop door. Corrupt mutters something under her breath and carries on with installing her Auto-Charge Detector, which will automatically detect any "shopper" in the vicinity and charge him/her/it's account for any purchases... i.e., anything that leaves the store with them.*

[Corrupt] Just between you and me, NYC, STUMPED members also get an auto-discount with this thing. And since Kudos is gone, you can also look around in the boxes in there.

*pause*

Not like he was ever here or anything... *sigh*

*NYC rushes to the back and starts tearing through the boxes of gadgets and magical goodies. He notes a watch with little minilaser in it, which raises some questions, and a smartgun with alien goo on it, which raises MORE questions. Maybe there's more to Kudos than previously thought. NYC takes the smartgun to the counter*

What the--? I never ordered that...

*examines it* ...but what a fine specimen. Wow, auto-aim and everything... huh?

*squints at the underside* ..."number 42 of 100, SmartGun(tm) Limited Edition Binary Blaster II." Gah, not another one... wonder what it does... oh well.

*rings it up on the register, which gives a price roughly equivalent to half the Galaxy*

Umh. Well... I guess I'll just add that on to your account. Not like I care, but... well... there's that *other* weapons shop that might be concerned...

*NYC looks at the smart gun*

This galaxy must be preeeetty cheap. Either that or you don't believe much in competitive pricing...

Ahh, whatever, I'll take it. If need be, I'll hope the store up for ransom if I can't get Red Dog with it.

If Kudos comes by or doesn't come by, say hello to him for me. Oh, and something ominous and forboding.

*NYC departs, or at least his hologram does, being covering in goo in the last couple seconds and flickering out, dropping the smartgun on the floor. From far off, the walls resound with...*

CRAP!

*Corrupt shakes her head and climbs up to a room above the shop*

[mutters] Of course the price of the Galaxy's cheap with people like us villains in it...

*a black hole opens up near the counter, from which a very stinky hand comes out, grabs the smartgun, and retracts.*

*Kudos nervously opens the front door. Seeing no one around, he saunters in, lugging a large heavy-looking crate. He disappears with the crate into the storage room, a rather large grin on his face*

*a Holographic projection appears from the Weapons Shop*

Are you what they call ..... competition ?

The previous management of the weaponshop made no mention of you when they were .... ah, re-assigned, yes that it the correct term we believe, reassigned to another existance.

*laughs icily*

Not exactly *competition*. This ain't just a weapons shop... though once in a while we get some weird stuff...

Besides, the only weapon I sold technically wasn't for sale. In fact--

[Kudos] WHERE'S MY BINARY BLASTER?!?!?

--yes. You'd better move your hologram before it gets--

*Kudos storms out of the storage room and starts making a mess of the shop. Several objects become projectiles headed straight for the hologram...*

~calmly~

I was warned of the propensity for violence of your species ..... even against your own kind. It is expected of course.

Nevertheless as a valued client of our establishment your account will remain open and active.

We look forward to your next visit ....... should you have any unusual or exotic weaponry we would be potentially interested in acquiring it.

We are especially interested should you run across one of these ...

*places a holo-image of an arcane device on the nearest surface and departs*

*Kudos slips out of the shop, and the Auto-Charge machine has a heyday with all the equipment it detects on him...*

*NYC fields in through the front door, with a notable improvement in attire and general smell, with revenge on his mind*

I need something to get back at the superheroes for smashing up my U-space (and about a half dozen others) and generally causing a ruckus without cause. That's MY job!

*Having by then noticed he's talking to an empty counter, NYC decides to wait for somebody to rant to*

*Corrupt comes down the staircase, de-gooped, with new robes and her bent staff.*

[muttering] lousyfrikkinalienthatkudosimgonnahurthim...

*She notices NYC Student standing by the counter and listens to his ranting*

Well, it's not like your U-space wasn't ALREADY a mess...

Yes, but at least it had a floor to be messy on! Of course, now I can probably increase it to a four storey secret lair, but I have to get all new henchmen that won't let in superheros just because they ask...

*sigh*

...anyway, I need a weapons shop that isn't infiltrated by Darth Curvaceous (whoever she is...) that might possibly be dealing in large-calibre weapons I can threaten superheroes with. Y'know, rail guns, gauss rifles, maybe a couple dozen EMP bombs, flamethrowers, and some superweapon of some sort. Perhaps a particle cannon? I was always fond of those. Also, maybe some area-effect weapons I could give those henchmen with notorious bad aim. Kalashnikovs and stens guns are so last year...