Reality Bytes

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Ever wondered what would happen to 5 die-hard h2g2ers if they were taken offline and locked inside a house with... no net access?

The Contestants

Day 5 - Morning

The contestants assemble silently in the living room waiting to see who will go. Khamsin and Craxus have their suitcases packed and ready and are looking excited at the prospect of leaving... that is, until they notice that Feuille is holding her brick, Anthea is holding her cake and Skenvoy is holding his... well, Skenvoy is still just this guy y'know. Khamsin and Craxus are obviously most nervous and back towards the door hoping that they'll be able to run out of the house if they get to leave without being killed but all the contestants are slightly worried that Skenvoy is holding a pillow as they are not sure what he is planning to do with it (what do you think he was holding?). Over the intercom the first loser (or winner, according to the housemates) is announced... ... 'Khamsin'. Before Khamsin can move Feuille's brick hits him straight in the face, Anthea's anger and love conflict so she ends up sitting down and eating the cake and Skenvoy tries to smother Khamsin with the pillow as Feuille runs forward and goes for Khamsin's throat. Suddenly the intercom speaks up again; 'Nah, just messing with you; Craxus is going!' All the housemates freeze realising how much they have just beaten up an innocent man. A few tense seconds pass and then Skenvoy and Feuille keep beating up Khamsin and Anthea, caught between using the cake to save Khamsin or attack Craxus keeps eating it. Craxus grabs his stuff and runs from the building.

Later that day the housemates all sit around in the living room discussing the weather. The fact that none of them has even looked outside so they don't know what the weather is like makes the Big Brother psychologist declare that the h2g2ers have, by being denied h2g2, accessed their full powers and are now psychic. The show's producers decide enough is enough, dress him up as Craxus and push him through the doorway into the house. The housemates are all so depressed they don't seem to notice him entering. Yet somehow he instantly goes flying straight into the air and slams head first into a wall. The show's producers wonder if he might have, for once, been right and the housemates had used psychic powers to injure him.

After the housemates retreat to bed a clean up team sneak into the house and remove the psychologist. They also discover that he wasn't sent flying by psychic powers; instead he slipped on Skenvoy's pillow which was still by the door.

As the day ends parties start around the country to celebrate the removal of the psychologist from the programme.

Day 6

The housemates seem to be suicidal today - Anthea is allowed to cook breakfast. The whole Reality Bytes team expect the psychologist to point this out before remembering what happened to him. Realising that without him nothing really gets said about the housemates state of mind they hire a new psychologist. Having made breakfast Anthea is devastated to find that neither Skenvoy nor Feuille will eat it. Having spammed the paper 'Forums' that were set up with numerous threads titled 'no one appreciates me' (To which Skenvoy replied 'No, we don't' every time) Anthea turns to Khamsin knowing he will never turn her down. Realising that he has no choice now but to eat it Khamsin bravely puts the first sporkful into his mouth. Luckily at that point Anthea is distracted by a scream from the living room and Khamsin spits it out into a plant pot. The rest of the breakfast swiftly follows.

During this time both Anthea and Feuille have assembled in the living room to find Skenvoy standing on a chair staring in horror at a cage full of white mice that has appeared in the house. Both Feuille and Anthea laugh at Skenvoy for being afraid of mice, though Skenvoy says he was actually screaming as the Pokemon film marathon that was going to be on had been cancelled. Either way the girls gather around the cage and start stroking the mice and Anthea mutters something about 'test subjects'. A note next to the mouse cage says that looking after the mice is their next challenge, though all the contestants are secretly wondering whether the mice be looking after them. Once again the team are hoping a blatant reminder of h2g2 will cause the housemates to go mad.

The rest of the day passes slowly as the girls watch the mice, Skenvoy retreats to his room to escape Feuille laughing at him and Anthea calling him 'Mousey boy' (a nickname she gave him once before) and Khamsin sits looking unhappy as the mice are getting all of Anthea's attention, occasionally writing in the forums saying how rejected he feels.

Day 7

The house wakes up to a girly scream today. It appears that Anthea had been going to write something in the forums, probably about how great the mice are. Unfortunately written on every single Forum piece of paper are the words 'Service not available' or 'XML loading error'. It is assumed that the show's organisers did this to try and make the show more interesting, rather than just having people sit around writing messages all day. The housemates are crushed to find their one link to h2g2 is no more. Feuille tries hugging the paper but it does no good. Anthea mutters something about hearing that the servers need tea when they get like this. So she promptly makes some tea and pours it onto the paper. For a few seconds the housemates all watch in anticipation. Then, without warning, the paper starts to dissolve. Within two seconds all the forums are gone. Feuille starts crying, Khamsin and Anthea are in shock and Skenvoy walks off towards his room making a comment about Anthea's cooking.

In the afternoon the housemates go outside to hold a funeral for the few small remains of the forums. As each housemate walks out of the door they stare around in wonder at the real world, as only those who don't believe such a thing actually exists can do. Once their eyes that are used to staring at screens and artificial lights are used to the glare of the outside world the housemates pay their final respects before burying what is left of the paper.

The contestants each react in varied ways to get over the loss of the forum. Anthea starts cooking again, Skenvoy contemplates leaving the show entirely, though that might just be because Anthea is cooking, Khamsin tries to create a new forum by writing all over the walls in his room and Feuille goes and watches the mice run around their cage.
In the evening the contestants all gather around the mouse cage (Skenvoy sitting as far from it as he can) to talk, something that has happened very rarely in this house. The housemates end up getting onto the topic of funny stories about h2g2. Highlights included Skenvoy, the incident known only as the '<evilgroin>' (yes groin, not grin), Skenvoy wearing a dress to get into the female only area in the assassins guild, the numerous 3rd person threads, Skenvoy, badgers, Skenvoy and how each of them found the site... in fact, it seemed that the comedy potential of the show might have been increasing until Feuille asked if she could tell the funniest story ever of how she found the site: 'Well I was sitting at my computer and I decided to search for h2g2 and I found the site' which killed the whole joke telling session. At this point Skenvoy said 'Hey Feuille look! A conveniently placed distraction' pointing behind Feuille. As she turned to try and see it Anthea, Khamsin and Skenvoy ran off to their bedrooms and locked the doors. Feuille spent half the night trying to find the distraction before deciding Skenvoy must have been seeing things.

Day 8

The house is woken up by an even girlier scream than the day before. It appears Anthea decided to cheer the house up by waking 'Mousey Boy' Skenvoy up by taking the mice to visit him and releasing them in his room. Skenvoy vows he will get his revenge on Anthea for that and starts planning how to do so. Unfortunately for Anthea disaster strikes - the mice have disappeared. Anthea quickly starts searching the house and in the process discovers that one of the plants has died. Examining the plant pot she finds the remnants of the breakfast she made for Khamsin. She instantly breaks into tears and runs to her room, forgetting about the mice completely.

Khamsin therefore spends the first half of the day trying to apologise to Anthea through her door, a process made even harder by the fact that, to prove his love of Anthea, he ate everything she had cooked in the last few days that had been left lying around (so everything). Eventually he collapses in pain clutching his stomach and screaming in pain. It is at this point that Anthea accepts his apology, casually opening her door and stepping over him as he rolls about in agony.

Feuille spent the morning walking around the house with her brick trying to find the mice and catch them. When Skenvoy asks her what her plan is she says she is going to knock them out with the brick and return them to their cage. Skenvoy says that he thinks there is a fundamental problem in using a brick to knock out a mouse, but he is not fully sure; having never tried it. Feuille eventually concurs and so gets a paving slab (no one wonders why there are paving slabs and bricks lying around... nor did anyone wonder why a chain saw had been provided; it was obviously provided to kill Skenvoy with if he got too annoying). Eventually Skenvoy goes to watch some TV, not really caring what is on (that is his excuse for watching The Smurfs) and so Feuille is left searching on her own. That is till Skenvoy finds a mouse when it climbs onto his lap and he screams. Feuille runs into the room and throws the paving slab straight at the mouse... the mouse dodges. Skenvoy does not. Skenvoy is left speaking like one of the Smurfs for the rest of the day. The mouse, however, has used this time to escape.

The afternoon is spent with the two girls trying to make it up to the blokes; Anthea bakes some more cakes to alleviate Khamsin's pain and Feuille continually apologises to Skenvoy and tries to hug him. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the mice. That is, until Feuille goes to make Skenvoy a cup of tea. While in the kitchen a horrible sight meets her eyes; the mice have just eaten some of Anthea's cakes. Feuille quickly carries them back to their cage and locks them in. She then sits a silent vigil by their cage trying to ascertain that they won't die.

The evening passes with Feuille watching the mice, whilst Anthea and Khamsin pepper Skenvoy with questions so they can hear him answering in a high pitched voice and then crack up laughing. Skenvoy doesn't realise what they find so funny and just assumes that Anthea's cooking is having adverse effects on their minds. In the end all the contestants fall asleep in the living room, none of them seeming to think about the lack of h2g2. This fa├žade is undermined by the fact that, during their sleep, all the contestants talk about 'left click on My space, look for new posts... must be new posts... refresh... refresh... refresh...' etc etc. The new psychologist makes his first proper input to the show suggesting that the vote should be between Anthea and Khamsin so one of them has to go, as he wants to see what effect it has on the other. The show supervisors concur and so the public vote is ready to go.

Skenvoy

17.06.04 Front Page

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