Signs, Instructions and Warnings
Created | Updated Dec 15, 2009
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing
Instructions
On instructions for a hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
On curling iron instructions:
Do not put into eyes.
On any US rear view mirror (by law):
"Remember, objects in the mirror are behind you."
On any US microwave (by law):
"Do not put your dog in the microwave"
On a chinese made helmet:
"Only to be worn on heads"
On a pakestani made child's superman outfit:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"
On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not To be used as protection from a Tornado.
On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
After opening, keep upright.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on Animals.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.
(instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids:
Lie down on bed and insert poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.
And finally, on the packet containing a Chinese tin opener:
Similar to items seen on TV!
EU legistlation:
"Lawers maust be packed in crates of 24 and staked not more than 5 high"
(translation from french by someone rather careless - the words for avocado and lawer are the same.)
Fake Warnings
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship.
- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
- On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
- On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
- On package of Ex-Lax: Do not eat this like a candy bar. Eat only one square at a time.
Real Signs
Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
(translation from Greek): "Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice"
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW
showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!"
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.
Seen in a health food store:
"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
In a small, local restaurant:
"Women are not served here .. You have to bring your own."
Plumber -
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."
On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet:
miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we
hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay! "
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send
in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a
pin drop."
Outside a radiator repair shop:
"Best place in town to take a
leak."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the dog."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a dry cleaner's emporium:
"Drop your pants here."
In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck:
"We've got what it takes to take
what you've got."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
and get fed up."
In a cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Classified Ads
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Famous Marketing Mistakes
- Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
- Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
- Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
- When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. - Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
- An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
- Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
- Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
- The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
- When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
| So Long And Thanks For Laughing |
