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British News Bits
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."
From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them
for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective
in the Police Farce."
More Bad Headlines
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.
Air Head Fired.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert Says Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years At Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
March Planned For Next August
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Gotta love the press
SOME 40% OF FEMALE GAS STATION EMPLOYEES IN METRO DETROIT ARE WOMEN, UP
FROM ALMOST NONE A YEAR AGO.
-- Detroit News article
MARIJUANA ISSUE SENT TO A JOINT COMMITTEE
-- Toronto Star headline
PUBLICIZE YOUR BUSINESS ABSOLUTELY FREE! SEND $6.
-- Entrepreneur Magazine ad
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
-- The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
-- The Anchorage, Alaska Times
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
-- The New Haven, Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
-- The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
-- The Houston Chronicle
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [SHOULD BE "PEN IS"]
-- The New Haven, Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
-- The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
-- Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
-- The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
-- The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
-- San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
-- Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
-- The Miami Herald
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat b*****d'
From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.
"It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be."
, whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist B*****ds". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr B*****ds has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.
Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
Less true headlines
Hole Found In Nudist Colony Wall - Police Are Now Looking Into It
Priceless Hair Taken From Top Salon - Police Are Combing The Area
101 Dogs Escape From Kennels - Police Say They Have No Leads
Several Public Toilets Stolen From Park - Police Have Nothing To Go On.
|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|