h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Cinders ponders on this thought for a moment...*

*If the queen had been able to steal the mirror...how had she done it? ...Surely the giants would have known she was coming for it...wouldn't they?*

So, *how* did this princess steal the mirror...aren't you insured for that kind of theft...?

*The giant looks sadly at Cinders and replies:*

Alas, we are insured for everything except our 3 treasures. No insurance company would cover them, since they are priceless. How the princess stole the mirror was quite simple, really. She knew of our 3 treasures, of course, since they were famous all over the land. She simply waited until we were out one day, then climbed into our house through the cat's door and stole it. We had never asked the mirror if someone was going to steal it, and we never used it to spy on other people, so we had no warning. Nevertheless, we were careless about it, since we had not turned it off before leaving. That's one thing the Queen doesn't know about the mirror: it can be turned on and off, but only if you know the spells.

*Cinders eyes light up. With her most innocent look, Cinders asks:*

Oh, what are the spells?

*The giant eyes her suspiciously for a moment, then he thinks that it couldn't possible do any harm to tell this delightful human*

Well, to turn it off, you say "fe fi fo fum, I command you to go dumb" and to turn it on you say "fum fo fi fe, I command you speak to me"

*Cinders grins at Beamish*

*Cinders noted that Beamish was quickly memorising the spells as well as she was...but how could they get out of the castle without the giant becoming suspicious...*

*Cinders was stumped*

*Beamish wasn't, he started to make a funny noise*

*As if out of no-where, a phone rang...Beamish reached into a pocket and pulled out a lump of something...Cinders didn't want to know what it was...but Beamsih put the lump of something up to his ears and started mumbling... This had the effect of making the giant back of with a slightly worried look on his face... Beamish put the "phone" back in his pocket...*

B: Sorry to dash off..that was head office...they've tracked down a rogue giant and want me to investigate...thanks for your co-operation...and the egg.

*Beamish smiled reassuringly at the giant*

No problem.

*said the Giant to Beamish and then he turned to Cinders and said:*

You can come back to visit anytime. OOmphhh

*The last bit was said as his wife elbowed him in the ribs. Beamish and Cinders hurried out the cat door and over to the vine. They quickly sketched out a plan before starting down.*

*Once outside, Beamish has a thought...*
We didn't ask how close you had to be for the spell to work...
*Beamish looked sad at the thought of this...*
And how would we know it *had* worked until it was too late...

*Cinders didn't like to see Beamish look this sad...*

Don't worry...we can easily test it...we've just got to go down there, say the "off" spell, then go and create some incredibly *interesting* gossip and see if it gets spread...

*Cinders gave Beamish a wicked look on the words "interesting gossip" and was glad to see that he raised his eyebrows at the thought...*

*Beamish's thoughts of sheep were interupted by another thought*

Hey, Cinders, how are we going to get this egg down?

*Beamish takes the egg, which Cinders has been carrying. He groans under its weight.*

This thing weighs a ton!

*Cinders was glad that Beamish had taken the egg...*

You could just drop it and make yourself a nice omlette, *she said sarcastically*

How am *I* supposed to know what to do with it...you can't possibly expect me to carry it down strapped to my back...*Cinders froze as she saw the look Beamish gave her...*

Noooo, Beamish... No way...

Here, Cinders, if we rip some strips off the bottom of your skirt ...

*long ripping sound*

...then we tie them together, like this...ungh...there. Try this on. Don't worry, I'll go down ahead of you, so if you fall, I can catch you.

*Cinders sighs and contemplates her new mini skirt*

*Cinders decided that the skirt wasn't too bad...she quite liked it...*

*She waited for Beamish to get a little bit further down the beanstalk then followed him down...carrying the egg...although she had been tempted to drop it and see how hard it's golden shell really was...but then she'd decided against it...*

*They reached the bottom of the beanstalk...*

*The queen, looking in her mirror, saw them reach the ground with the egg*

"Ha!", she said, "they managed to steal an egg from those stupid giants. That reminds me: it's time for my lunch.

*The queen screeches at her servant to bring her an omelet and walks to the dining room to eat it*

*Cinders looked thankful when Beamish took the egg off her...*

So now what? Do we say the spell...? I suppose we can only try...

*Cinders tried to remember what it was...*

*Beamish sighed in frustration when he realised that Cinders couldn't remember it, and that it was up to him once more...*

"Fe fi fo fum, I command you to go dumb"

Yes, yes, that's it Beamish. But I think we have to say it to the mirror.

Oh, right.

*Beamish winks at Cinders, then says loudly to a spot about 6 feet to the left of Cinders:*

I think we should take this egg to the bank, then go pay a visit to the _good_ queen. We haven't seen the _wonderful_ lady for such a long time. I can hardly bear to be away from her. She is so amaz ...

*Cinders elbows Beamish in the ribs and tugs him in the direction of the bank*

*Beamish follows Cinders, wondering how on earth he was going to explain the sudden appearence of a golden egg...*

*After an hour's walk, Cinders and Beamish reached the local bank. The queue looked very impressive. Beamish lines up at the end, and Cinders has a walk around the bank building. Suddenly, shee sees a sign next to an empty counter and runs back to Beamish excitedly, pointing at it...*

C: Beamish, look what it says there! "Deposit of golden eggs"!

*Beamish has a look, then looks at Cinders, wearing a puzzled expression.*

B: Do you think we should go to that counter?

Sure (say's Cinders) why not...do you *really* wnat to stand in this que *all* day...?

*Cinders taps her foot impatiently*

It's not as if they'll question where we got it from or anything...

B: Ok, let's go.

*They approach the empty counter. The clerk is looking at them suspiciously.*

Clerk: How can I help you?

*All three of them think that the answer is a little obvious, with Beamish sweating under the weight of the giant golden egg on his back...*

B: We want to deposit this egg...

Clerk: I see. Your names?

B: Beamish and...

C: Cinders... Cinderella, I mean...

Clerk: Ah, so it's you...

*Beamish can't help thinking that this is a strange remark to make... The clerk reaches up and rings something which looks like an alarm bell. What Beamish didn't know is that it really WAS an alarm bell... A group of guards appear and form a circle around Beamish and Cinders in order to prevent them from fleeing.*

Guard Captain: You are arrested by order of the Queen!

*Beamish notices that the Clerk puts down the sign "Golden Eggs deposit"*

C: Arrested?!?!?!?!?!?!

*a puzzled expression crosses Cinders face*

I'll have you know I'm a *princess*...until next Tuesday...because that's when we're officially divorced...but until then I'm still a princess! And why would my *mother-in-law* want me arrested?!?

*Cinders crosses her arms and glares at the guard captain.*

*the guard captain, and all the other guards as well, find it hard to concentrate on answering, they seem to be strangely interested in Cinders' dress... or miniskirt...*

Guard Captain: Er... You're beuat... er... no princess anymore, I mean... At least that's what the Queen told me, and I'd rather believe her than you... You're not AS likely to chop of my head...

*The captain waves an arm in the general direction of the door, but as he doesn't look at her, at least not at her face, Cinders finds it hard to tell if he wants them to go ahead...*

*Cinders decides to play it safe and to walk in the general direction that the guard had indicated...she wasn't too keen on the looks she was getting...mainly because she didn't know what they were staring at...*

*After a long walk, about 2 blocks, during which the guards kept tripping over all sorts of objects in the streets (not looking down to avoid them), the group arrived at the guard quarters, which seemed to be combined with the city's dungeon. From what the prisoners could tell, they were not very far away from the Queen's castle - the smell of burnt omelettes was heavy in the air.*

*They entered the low building which was supposed to fulfill the functions of a police station and were led into a small, empty room.*

Guard: You two stay here, the captain will be with you in a minute...

B: Why?

Guard: To question you, of course...

*And with a last look at Cinders' legs, which the miniskirt completely fails to hide, he leaves.*