h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Celtic won! Glory glory who? Goddamn, we're better than Chelsea! (until sunday anyway). We're fantastic!

I'm afraid you are still managed by Gordon Strachan and Gary Pendry.

And we beat Man u! In the Champions' League. The most potent attacking force in Europe! Jesus H! give us our moment of glory! AND we qualified tonight, FFS. This is the biz!

Woo hoo!



What a finish last night!

Sir Lec plays his first XI from the start. Gordo expecting a war of attrition holds back on Maloney and Miller until the second half. Who is the tactical genius.

Admittedly Giggs and Saha missed sitters. Rooney missed oportunities too. But when you have them you have to score.

So Celtic join Liverpool and Chelsea as safely through. Wenger and Fergie have to wait and see.

but still

SCOTLAND TODAY!

A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow at approximately 9:30 PM last night with its epicentre in The Gorbals. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man-no?". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in The Gorbals. One resident
- Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha this morning, so's ah wiz."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken
locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave chips
-- Pies from Greggs
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Special Brew or bottle of Buckie.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.

"Parkheed" said the girl, "wits that tae you?"

Pshaw!

The Gorbals is the wrong end of town. I think they *were* devastated last night.

While it may the the wrong end of toun it did house the Irish-Catholic community Pedro.

It also houses I***x tho. Don't darken my day by reminding me of that.

The other palce is furhter to the West on the south bank of the river in Govan not Gorbals.

"And we beat Man u! In the Champions' League. The most potent attacking force in Europe!"

Why is it the scum are always the best (x) in (y) when they lose? They're an average team that lost an average game to another average team, just like happens in Europe every week.

*sigh*

I do so hate the Champions League....

Did you hate it when Leeds got to the semis? Thought not... Anyway, it was drunken hyperbole.


And about the Gorbals/Govan mix-up.

No, but I hate the fact that getting to the semis bankrupted the club, raised the board's expectations too high, led to a young promising manager being replaced by a succession of has-beens (well, a has-been and a never-was) and eventually the relegation and near extinction of Leeds United AFC.

I think the Champions League (a misnomer right off, it's not a league and contains the fourth best team in England) is basically a moneyspinner for Europe's big clubs as opposed to the grand football spectacle Sky and ITV want us to believe it is. Give me the FA Cup any day.

As a Man U fan (ducks bottles thrown from the back) I've just got to say that one upon a time (about 7 years ago) we were the most potent attacking force in Europe. In the Premiership wehave shown flashes of returning to Former Glory, But only when faced with Sub-Standard teams.
United are a club in the rebuilding stage, but it will be at least another 5 years before we get anywhere near those achievments again, and if Chelski actually start playing or open the cheque book we're screwed.

If you check out football 365, there's a good editorial on how this supposed "Third Great Team" under Fergie is useless without the ageing triumvate of Neville, Giggs and Scholes (remnants of SAF's Second Great Team) who are still class players, but too old to play as often as they have to.

Getting to the Semis bankrupted Leeds?

I should have thought that actually that earnt you shed loads of money.
Surely what *actually* bankrupted Leeds was *not* qualifying in later years after bankrolling an absurd spending spree (including stuff like private jetting players on jollies back to Leeds on match days rather than dropping and disciplining them) with enormous loans.
And Cardiff City are actually *pleased* they've got a chairman not too disconnected with all that profligacy.

I don't get that either Orcus. With alkl the revenue gained in getting to the finals surely it was how that money was misspent that bankrupt Leeds.

I meant the much raised expectations caused by getting to the Semis bankrupted Leeds. If we'd gone out in qualifying to 1860 Munich like everyone expected us to then PR perhaps wouldn't have decided to borrow the GNP of a Middle Eastern country because we'd "do it every year".

Wasn't part of the problem that they just kept buying players that weren't worth the money and they didn't actually need anyway?

I can start a list with Robbie Fowler and Seth Johnson if you like...