h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have, for some reason, a face that apparently shouts out "Come, tell me all your problems, I'd love to hear about your sex life and how you hate your parents and what you've always dreamed of doing but can't afford and any other relevant personal details." It has gotten to be quite unpleasant over the course of my life... Is there something I can do to make them go away? "I have to go to ... now" only works a certai number of times. But I feel bad telling them to go away, as they seem to enjoy talking at me so much.

Just build a wall and learn to be indifferent. of course that isn't very fun for you yourself.
you could always start to babble on about the life expectancy of cheese or the funny feeling you get when a goldfish bowl materializes on your head, that will most likely get them to leave you alone.

I sympathise with your problem. I suggest talking persistently about your own, preferably elaborately invented, problems instead. Eventually everyone else will stop trying to talk to you altogether.

If none of the above work, you could always hide in a pocket.. erm.. that is if you're a mouse. Otherwise try hiding in a closet.


(Another not-very-fun suggestions, but hey.. you're the one who doesn't want to be bothered. )

Do what I did!
Went out and bought some massive headphones
They are about 4 inches across
Doesn't matter if you don't have a discman or walkman, just lead the wire into your pocket or backpack and pretend not to be able to hear anyone.
Either that or talk to them. Go on and on about irrelvant stuff until they give up.
You know you have done well if (example: on bus) they get off about 4 stops early.
Books also help, pretend to read.
If they interuppt you while your reading, tell them excitedly about the plot of the book, and how it seems to be about this, but it's really about... you get the picture
Hope this helps! It sure worked for me.
Ciao!

I am sure that there will no doubt be some ritual involving copious amounts of crucifixes, chants, candles and the slaying of the odd virgin here or there, but I think that the truth of the matter is that it's just going to continue on. My only real peice of advise (note the absence of the word 'useful' in this sentence) is to find solace in the fact that you are making someone happy by being there. Don't bemoan your fate of knowing everyone's problems, but accept that it is going to happen and you might as well try to enjoy it. Failing that you are sure to be able to make money from this by having someone famous tell you all their problems and selling their story to a magazine ('That's Life' springs to mind for all you Aussie researchers).

1) Cut your ears off
or
2) Wear a Red Dwarf T-shirt.
On second thoughts, 2 is probably a bit drastic...

You could try the solution I used on the Jehovas Witnessess when they come knocking (if you don't care about offending people, that is): When they start on you, say " You're wasting your time". If they keep on, say "Now you're wasting mine."

There's no way to argue with that, and it works a treat every time.

Keep it to yourself and enjoy,

Fruitbat

Another one for telemarketters, too. Thanks!

Being the 3rd of 3 children I seem to have an instinctual knowledge of annoying people and therefore making it so they don't want to talk to you.

1. I know its been said before in this forum, but if you don't want to seem rude then go on and on about stupid topics and stories that don't go anywhere:
"Like the time I tried to catch the ferry to shelbyville. Ofcourse back then it was called bung town and it cost 5 cents to take the ferry. Nickels back then though had pictures of Bees on them, so you'd say give my Bees for the quart. Anyway so I decided to catch the ferry to shelbyville and I had to walk accross town. I put on by belt with an onion in the center, that being the style at the time. We didn't have the red onions, on account of the war, so we only had the big yellow ones. Anyway so I was walking with my onion on my belt, that being the style at the time and...."

2. Never invite people over and if you do then act like they forced themselves on you. Give them orders like get me a drink, accompanied by a crude insult. It doesn't even have to make sense, you could say: give me a drink cow changer.
Forget those so called rules of human interaction such as: no biting, spitting, unauthorized weddings, swearing, or use of crude stereotypes. These are just suggestions as far as you should be concerned.

3. Again this way makes you sound annoying but not rude. If you are in the U.S. (like me) then try to bring the conversation to either the O.J. simpson trial or Monica Lewinsky. People here are so sick of that crap that they will probably never speak to you again.

4. Cut open your face with a spork and carve in your teeth several derogatory swear words.

5. Craziness is either creepy or funny. So if the person doesn't already think of you as a clown then scream out things like: Jake can't get me now with those satelites. The moon cheese babies will rebel against their titly over lords.

6. And finally, if all else fails. Become a hermit.

So Researcher 33706, have you had the opportunity to put any of the excellent suggestions that you have been presented with into practice? I am sure that we are all dying to know which have been most affective.

Well, I've been keeping a scoreboard for myself.
Them - 3
Me - 2
After several incidence(s?) of wimping out, I got brave and started telling my acquaintance Jessamyn, who was halfway through a "my boyfriend Sean and I" story about the time I got caught in the rain last week. She proceeded to say "Sorry, but I have to go now"! Aha. Think this might work. That inspired me to try a similar technique with my young 'confessor' Laura, who was terribly upset about the plot of Dawson's Creek, that she was wasting her time. I got a shocked a "What? But Pacey, he..." And then came the big moment. "Now you're wasting mine." Oh, the look. I grow to dislike people perhaps more than I ought, but it was so fulfilling... Oh, great. Now I feel guilty.

But it worked! Haha!

I found something fun to do if your bored and a telemarketer phones.
Example:
Ring!
You: Hello?
Them: Hi! I'm calling on behalf of Jones hired carpet shampooers!
You: Hi!
Them: I was just calling to tell you about our fantastic new rate, only 50 cents per square foot!
You: What kind of shampoo do you use? A weak acid solution or a thermal undercoating catalyst?
Them: Excuse me?
You: Well, you see some carpets can dissolve or be damaged with the wrong kind of shampoo
Them: I'll go ask my superviser
Wait
Wait
Wait
Them: I think he said it's an emulsifying agent
You: Thats great! They cause little or no damage
Them: So would you like to try our service at our introductory rate?
You: Wait, do you use paddle beaters or rotary brushes?
Them: *sigh* Wait a minute please
Wait
Wait
Wait
Them: Rotary brushes
You: Thats good, keeps the carpet in proper allignment
Them: So would you like to try our service?
You: No thank you, I don't have carpets.
Them: But...
You: Thank you. *click*
Loads of fun
Can be used on chimney sweepers, glaziers or encyclopaedia salesmen with certain adjustments
Bye for now!

This is something George Carlin said about annoying children, and that this would really make them angry, but I think it would work on anyone.

When someone asks you "Do you know what?" Just say "yes" and walk away.

I've been wanting to try it myself, but I never have the presence of mind to remember it when the time comes around.