h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*hides*

I'm impressed, very clever.

(I never thought you'd click that!)

(I could have found out some kind of Windows shortcut. Like how to get bees to pollinate on your OS, thereby cutting out my trip to the shops for honey.)

Oo - Windows honey! I bet there's a nice little jingle ... and then a little cartoon bee will pop up with a speech bubble saying:

You appear to be wanting some honey - would you like to

0 - Get some help with the honey?
0 - Collect your own honey?
0 - Go to Windows Online honey support?

*Clicks on honey support*

My honey has no perforated edges!

*Windows Honey Help window pops up*

Perforated edges
- Perforation in BMX format
- Perforation in DOS mode
- Perforated edges: extravagant
- Perforated edges: simple
- How to perforate your own edges

*cough* smhe he.

I need to know how to perforate my own BMX wheelie edges. Where's the button for remote BMX assistance?

*biddleybeep!*

Would you like to download Windows BMX perforation manager?

Yes No Cancel

*Looks for a "Perhaps" option*



*Clicks "Yes"*

*Watches bees preparing hive timer*

*biddleybeep!*

Windows BMX Perforation Manager downloaded successfully.

To run Windows BMX Perforation Manager you have to restart your computer.

Would you like to restart now?

Yes No Maybe

That was very quick!

Restarting means waiting and patience and windowsil anchorage.

*Clicks Maybe*

*EeeeAaaaaw!*

*Bing!*

Windows BMX Perforation Manager has encountered a terminal difleglop error message and will need to close. Please close all running programs and return all open honey to its jar.

My computer's transformed into a donkey!

Alright, alright.

*Scoops honey back into jar*

*Opens jar of pickled onions*

*Little animated pickled onion pops up*

Hi there! You appear to be opening a jar of pickled onions. Would you:

0 - Like some help opening the jar?
0 - Like to share your pickled onions with the Windows Online Pickled Onion Community?
0 - Like to enter your best onion in a competition to win a holiday to Flantasia?

Cor! I've dreamed of winning an onion competion!

Hang on!



*Dresses onion in tuxedo*

*Places flower in pocket*

Right.

I'd like to register a complaint!



I mean, I'd like to enter my onion in a competition.

Is your onion's routine:

0 - Comedy?
0 - Musical?
0 - Dramatic?
0 - Other?

*Glances at onion*

"Oh! My petunia, damn and blast it! Why should it not stay central in my pocket?! If only I had decided against marrying Marilyn!"

I'd say dramatic.

*The Royal Pickle Theatre. A hush falls across the audience as the lights dim. The MC emerges from behind the curtain*

MC: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Royal Pickle on tonight's gala night of entertainment. We have a wonderful range of acts for you tonight and, without further ado, let's put our hands together for the first act ... Shirley Pickled Gherkin!



On the gooood ship, pickleypop!

He's on next! Break a ... well, whatever, little pickled onion!

The Myopic Carbondater? Suppose they have to have a night job too.

*pickled onion nervously peeks out through the curtain and strides onto the stage*

I am not fit to be thine emperor! If only I had been exposed at my birth, surely the cult of fig touchers would have ruled the earth and my dearest gherkin would not be writhing in pain!

Willst thou not see your only heir to the throne? How can thee listen to his agony and not comfort him?!

That is my punishment!