h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Voices of a Distant Star - A2383427
Author: RFJS__ - U524615

(The reason the following appears in an attached 'Writing Workshop' conversation is that, although not a work-in-progress, the Entry was briefly submitted there by mistake.)

I haven't found a reference to this text box in the guidelines, so I'm not quite sure what sort of comments are required, but I'd like to ask whether anyone can confirm whether I got the word order right in 'Sahara Mizu'. More generally, is there too much about Shinkai's other works, and did I manage to get something of the tone of the anime across in this essentially factual Entry?

I've tried to provide plentiful background information as well as giving an idea of what 'Voices' is like; hence a lot of the entry isn't actually about Voices. However, I've called the entry 'Voices of a Distant Star' because that's what you'll see on the DVD cover should you ever purchase it. For a few minutes this Entry contained a link to an unofficial translation of the extended ending, but I was nervous about including it without the translator's permission, so I removed it; if you want me to go to the trouble of chasing up the translator, clamour! (Alternatively, just find the link on the 'Voices of a Distant Star' page at animeondvd.com.)

Despite the lack of clamouring, I've now circumvented the problem by adding a link to the animeondvd.com page, rather than directly to the translation, to the Entry.

This is an extremely well written piece, one of the best I have seen in h2g2. I'm very wary of suggesting any changes to someone so well versed in the art of writing.

But I'm going to. Your use of Mr is unusual. It is not normal in English writing to refer to people by the title Mr. It gives an old-fashioned feel to the entry. Instead of saying 'Mr Shinkai', you should just say 'Shinkai'.

The reason I've used it is that I've seen it used on some other sites dealing with 'Voices', notably the Makoto Shinkai Fan Web. I think Japanese people instinctively use titles that offer some resemblence to polite Japanese usage. I was simply following what appeared to me to be a convention.

Thanks for posting, by the way; I was getting worried about the lack of comments.

I don't think you'll get very many comments on this one, because there is not much room for improvement.

Thanks!

One thing though: I've been wondering whether I've given a bit too much away by covering Mikako's recovery of confidence, and whether it would be better for me to change the end of that paragraph to something like this: '...breaks down, just before the Tarsians attack en masse.' Would anyone like to comment on that?

I don't really feel that I can comment because I haven't seen the film. I'll just echo the comments that this is an excellently written entry

I was wondering if it would be worth changing the title to "Voices of a Distant Star- the film". When I first saw the title I had no idea what sort of entry to expect - it could be astronomy for all I knew...

I wondered about that, but there's so much in here that's contextual; I was worried that a specific title, like 'Voices of a Distant Star: the Anime Short Film', would give a strong impression that the entry was more specific than it actually is. On the other hand, 'Voices of a Distant Star' is what's on the DVD cover, even though the DVD also contains 'She and Her Cat', so it would be more likely to trigger recognition than, say, 'The Early Works of Shinkai Makoto'; and 'Voices' is by far his longest and most famous work (although 'Beyond the Clouds' will doubtless change that). It's a tricky balancing act, and I'm not convinced that I got it right, but at any rate I do see plenty of titles that don't ring my personal bells; and if the entry gets into the Edited Guide then the categorisation system will help by keeping the Entry away from the astronomy section.

Okay -- any suggestions, anyone? Shall we have a poll? A to every Researcher whose preferred choice is the one that gets used.

A good entry indeed - I think you should add some context to the title.



sprout

Fair enough, but what, exactly?

I've realised that offering a to every Researcher whose suggestion is the one selected would encourage homogeneity and thus adversely affect the poll, so I'm now offering a to every Researcher who makes at least one suggestion.

So, to Z, a .

Sprout didn't suggest anything specific, but I've plenty of , so have one anyway.

I don't like so I won't be making a suggestion

If you actually have a suggestion we also have , , ... Or if you prefer something less fattening how about ?

This is a very nice entry indeed. Please write more like this and submit them to PR - it's like a breath of sweet, fresh, mountain air.

There's one thing I'd like to point out. I had to read this sentence a few times before I got a handle on it:
"Noboru decided on learning how long messages would take to reach him that, instead of enduring years of fruitless anticipation, he would give up waiting to hear from Mikako"

I think it would read more easily if it were changed around to something like 'Upon learning how long it would take for messages to reach him, Noboru decided that instead of enduring years of fruitless anticipation, he would give up waiting to hear from Mikako'


Scout
Back in the saddle again

My preference is for

I was originally referring to advice about what the title should be, but advice of any sort is good, so yes, have some .

So that means something also needs to go to Gnomon, who can claim a prize from the available selection.

There's an issue with the use of tenses in that sentence, because I compressed two scenes, years apart, into one paragraph, partly to avoid having two brief paragraphs, and partly to avoid very rapidly switching between Noboru and Mikako. I'll have a look at it and see how easily it might be made more comprehensible.

See you shortly.

Okay. The sentence is now much as you suggested it should be: 'When he learned how long her messages would take to reach him Noboru decided that, instead of enduring years of fruitless anticipation, he would give up waiting to hear from Mikako.' I think both the original and revised versions are a bit ambiguous as regards the timeline (as is the film, come to that), but I don't think that'll be as much of a problem as I thought it might be.

I think the title does need a bit of clarifying, but I'm not sure how...

Does that qualify as enough advice for some ?

Go on, then:

Regarding the title... when you sat down to write this entry, what exactly did you plan to write it about? Did it start off as a piece solely about 'Voices' and develop into something more, or did you mean it to cover the early works, or the contents of the DVD? Looking at your original motives may give a clue as how to phrase the title.

I always intended to cover both 'Voices' and 'She and Her Cat' (along with a paragraph looking ahead to 'Beyond the Clouds') and to give some degree of background information, although I didn't plan from the beginning to include a list of Shinkai's other works. ('Voices' was always going to get the longest section; it's five times the length of 'She and Her Cat', and has a far more developed plot.) I wanted the Entry both to be useful to anyone thinking of buying the DVD and to provide information besides what could be learnt simply by watching said DVD. So the part relating directly to the DVD was the clearest part of my original plan, but the intention to provide contextual information was there from the beginning.

Any help?