Hot Property

0 Conversations


Proudly Announce a New and Exciting Enterprise!

Inspired in Equal Measure by :

The Ideas of Mr Dante of Ravenna


The Need to Reduce the General Prison Population...

We are Building a
Corrective Housing Estate!

All the Homes within it incorporate Features Designed to Improve the Occupants!!!

Purchasing a New Home has been Purgatory before - but...

...Now it's the Purgatory You Deserve!!!

The complex will consist of nine concentric circles, in deference to Mr Dante's far-sighted specification.

The upper six Circles will be occupied by those whose sins hurt only themselves. (You're probably such a misguided soul yourself. Why not take a look at these bijou maisonettes, perfectly attuned to your excess of capital and deficit of taste?)

Alternatively, you might be a Seasoned Sinner, in which case you'll be looking for opulence to match your appetite! The Middle Circle (the Seventh) celebrates the first group whose whose sins harm others. Applicants must be able to demonstrate that their sins were committed in ignorance (blind contempt for the rest of humanity permissible in certain circumstances).

The Nether-Circles are for Serious Sinners who hurt others wilfully. There's a warm fire for you to come home to in the Eighth, provided that your sins are committed in hot blood. The exclusive Ninth Circle is for those who specialise in Malice of Forethought. By the time you get this deep, you'll be paying for it Big-Time, of course - but what the Hell...You deserve it!

Below (where else?) you'll find some selected home-plans to give you the idea. And why not enter our Prize Competition! Researchers are invited to submit their own plans for dwellings in any of the Circles (customised homes for specially-deserving communities/professions/characters are particularly welcomed). Your plans will be added to our catalogue, and all contributors are entitled to Free Partnership of the Firm, and Life Membership of BIVA (Bogus Institute of Virtual Architects). Plus there'll be a Fabulous Prize for the Best Suggestion of a Name for the New Estate!

Architects : Pinniped, Fred Smith, Sprout and Co.


1.Location :First Circle
Owner Category :Bit of a Pillock
Typical Misfeasance :Talking Loudly in Cinemas
House Features :Volume Setting of TV Inexplicably Drifts Downwards
Decomposing Corn-Snacks Manifest Themselves Inside Soft Furniture

2.Location :Second Circle
Owner Category :Do-Gooder
Typical Misfeasance :Advocating Neighbourhood Watch Scheme
House Features :Car Alarm/Burglar Alarm/Smoke Alarm All Go Off Intermittently Without Apparent Cause
Garden Gnomes Spontaneously Decapitated

3.Location :Third Circle
Owner Category :Bloody Nuisance
Typical Misfeasance :Peeking at Sun-bathing Neighbours
House Features :Conifers Surrounding Garden Grow a Foot Per Week
Magazines Delivered With Pages Already Stuck Together

3a.Location :Third Circle
Owner Category :Miser
Typical Misfeasance :Failing Consistently to get a Round In down the Pub (hasn't put a penny in a collection box since Live Aid)
House Features :Sofa is Sloped at an Angle that Ensures all Change in Pockets finishes in its Innards, from Whence it is Irretrievable
All Bills that arrive at the House Inexplicably come with an extra Zero on the end
Socks develop Holes after being Worn Once

4.Location :Fourth Circle
Owner Category :Social Delinquent
Typical Misfeasance :Believing What's Printed in the Daily Mail
House Features :Cars Parked on Drive Age at Three Times the Rate of Normal Passage of Time
BBC Radio 4 Perpetually Broadcasts Sycophantic Interviews with Government Ministers (and Radio 2 Only Transmits Decadent Modern Rubbish like the Sex Pistols)

4a.Location :Fourth Circle
Owner Category :Activist
Typical Misfeasance :Trolling
House Features :Any conversation in the house will lead to a fist-fight
Comes with a member of the owner's least-favourite minority, and no internet connection

5.Location :Fifth Circle
Owner Category :Evangelist
Typical Misfeasance :Announcing the Second Coming
House Features :Sound of Trumpets Emanates from Bathroom Fittings
Garden Sporadically Trampled by Rampaging Horsemen

6.Location :Sixth Circle
Owner Category :Activist
Typical Misfeasance :Deliberately Engaging in Politics
House Features :Occupants Treated as Idiots or Ignored Completely Outside of a Two-Week Period Once Every Five Years
Any Child Kissed in the House Instantly Vomits

7.Location :Seventh Circle
Owner Category :Parasite
Typical Misfeasance :Building New Housing Estates
House Features :Kitchen and Bathroom Are Smaller Than They Were Yesterday; Small Children Become Trapped in Gap Between Wall and Skirting Board
Topsoil Disappears in Slight Breeze; Drive Dissolves in Rain

7a.Location :Seventh Circle
Owner Category :Parasite
Typical Misfeasance :Practising Journalism1
House Features :Paperboy/Milkman/Encyclopaedia Salesmen Found Sleeping on Doorstep
All Forms of Intercourse Taking Place in the House are Broadcast to the Nation

7b.Location :Seventh Circle
Owner Category :Parasite
Typical Misfeasance :Purporting to Provide Banking Services
House Features :Piggy-Banks Turn Nasty on Attempt to Empty Them
Failure to Promptly Return Borrowed Hedge-Trimmers/Cups of Sugar/Overdue Library Books Leads to Repossession

7c.Location :Seventh Circle
Owner Category :Irritant
Typical Misfeasance :Driving a Motor Vehicle in an Impolite Manner. Parking in Bus Lanes. Driving to End of Closed Motorway Lanes before Pushing In
House Features :On hot days, the fridge is Full of Cold Beer but when the Sinner seeks to Obtain a Beverage, a queue appears and lengthens from the front while the Sinner Waits
All Comfortable Seats in front of TV are Covered in Plates or Books while other House Residents have 'just popped to the kitchen/phone'

8.Location :Eighth Circle
Owner Category :Psycopath
Typical Misfeasance :Murder
House Features :Strange Odour Around Patio in Hot Weather
Toothpaste Tastes Faintly of Almonds; Use of Bathroom Products Results in Hair-Loss

9.Location :Ninth Circle
Owner Category :Predator
Typical Misfeasance :Working for a Law-Firm
House Features :Visitors to the House Charge for Engaging in Conversation, or Sue Over Health Risks Resulting from Storage of Food Past its Sell-by Date on the Premises
Front Door Can Only be Opened at Thirty-Year Intervals

The Pinniped Portfolio


04.03.04 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1We protest!... Post Team.

Bookmark on your Personal Space

Conversations About This Entry

There are no Conversations for this Entry



Infinite Improbability Drive

Infinite Improbability Drive

Read a random Edited Entry

Written by



h2g2 is created by h2g2's users, who are members of the public. The views expressed are theirs and unless specifically stated are not those of the Not Panicking Ltd. Unlike Edited Entries, Entries have not been checked by an Editor. If you consider any Entry to be in breach of the site's House Rules, please register a complaint. For any other comments, please visit the Feedback page.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more