h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Convicts on Norfolk Island - A23781288
Author: Kyra - que sera sera - U1572880

I'm not sure how this one will be received. It's not a pure 'factual' account, this happened on this date sort of thing, it's more detailed than that, and it's not supposed to be a beginners guide to Norfolk Island, but I hope I've made it clear enough. And it's blimin' long.

I like this - and I expect to like it even more when I have time (and mental energy) for a detailed read.

In the meantime - there's a typo in footnote 2. 'Van Diemen's Land'... 'e', not 'a'.

Thanks, fixed

Well its not that long.

I think you need a concluding paragraph of some kind - what is Norfolk Island today ? And how does it remember its history.

But that could just be me.

I think that is a good idea, McKay.

This is an interesting entry, Kyra.

There seem to be three main possible purposes for the penal colony: profit, reform and punishment, and you seem to switch backwords and forwards between them quite a bit, making the entry slightly repetitive. I think there's room for tightening it up slightly in that respect.

Some small problems:

1000 kilometres --> 1,000 kilometres

from the coast of Australia, but the small island -- there's no reason for the but here, as the second half of the sentence is not in any way contrary to the first half. Split this into two sentences:

from the coast of Australia. The small island


it was not intended to be a prison so horrific men would rather die than be sent there -- this would be better if you put "that" after "horrific"

a 'punishment-job' for 'petty offenses.
-- you've a mismatched quotation mark there. Either put one after petty offenses or remove the one before it.

the increase of crime and disobedience --> the increase in crime and disobedience

under the tortuous conditions --> under the torturous conditions

The Anglican Reverend T. Sharp described that the overseers were tyrannical -- I don't think you can say "described that". It doesn't sound right to me. I'd use "reported" or "related" instead.

to practice --> to practise

prevented the commission of crime in the first place -- "commission" is not the right word here. Try "committing".

not ignorant to the suffering --> not ignorant of the suffering

He described that the majority of the prisoners -- again I don't like "described that".

perminently --> permanently

Oops, I should have said "four purposes: profit, reform, deterrent and punishment"

>>The punishment was not designed to reform, deter, or provide profit for the settlement, and can therefore be labeled for cruelty's sake.

- for cruelty's sake? Don't you say it was intended to be a deterrent? That's not entirely for cruelty's sake.

>>The futility of excessive work as a reformation technique is indicated when recidivism rates are taken into account. The experience and reformation of convicts under experiments at reform contrasts strongly with the increase of crime and disobedience, as well as the 'unmitigated wretchedness' of the men themselves under the tortuous conditions of some of the more monstrous commandants.

- K, this paragraph lets me know that I don't have enough information. What was the island system? Was a person sent there for a specific number of years, or for life? "Settlement" connotes life to me, but recidivism suggests that they returned to civilisation. Could you give a better description of the general administration methodology?

- Furthermore, the second half of the second sentence has two problems: 1 - it doesn't mean anything. 2 - it has nothing to do with the first half of the sentence or the paragraph in general. I know you feel for these poor wretches, but everything in its time. Hold the sympathy for when it's due.

- finally, can you alter the name of the section? 'Reformation' brings to mind reformation of the cruel system you've been mentioning (but not detailing). Only by the end of the second paragraph does one realise that you're referring to reformation of the prisoners.



I'll be back.

Is this entry still in progress?

Was I too convincing?

Sorry, it's been a rough few weeks.

I made all the changes thanks, Gnomon.

Leo, I'm not sure I get what you want me to change.

I think Leo wants you yo change all of it.

Yeah

Leo notwithstanding , is this ready to go?

Yeah, I think I'm done.

I thought Leo made some very good points and they reinforced some of mine, that this Entry tends to wander from one point to another rather incoherently, and could do with a lot of rewriting before it is ready. But that's just my and Leo's opinion.

That's fine Gnomon. I'm just trying to get my picks done before I head off to Ireland for a week. I've not followed this from the start but it seemed to have been through the evolutionary phase.

I quite like it but I am by no means fully cognisant with the subject matter.

Read through it. If you think it reads well, then by all means recommend it!

Dang - I typed a lengthy explanation of my points and it doesn't seem to have appeared. I'll do it again.