Please read all instructions carefully before
Wagner's SJOB Importers
17 The Muse
Congratulations on acquiring our latest in Smashing Jaffa Orangey Bit distribution systems. No
longer need your Jaffa enjoyment be limited to simply guzzling those deliciously small slivers of
Orange goodness, handcrafted on the plains of Iberia by dusky maiden aunts. Making use of
our patented new technology, Chocolate, and a tried and trusted bedding material we have produced
something that even the European Union cannot help but call a 'cake'. With care and an experienced
hand this new 'cake' can heighten your Orangey Bit enjoyment by up to three hundred and twenty
seven point nine three percent* over the previous, unadulterated, delivery system.
Should you wish to partake of this increased taste please follow the following instructions
closely. Wagner's SJOB Importers can not be held responsible for any lack of excitement due to
not following these instructions to the letter. Or hair loss.
- Place yourself in a darkened room. Preferably within easy reach of the emergency services.
Ensure that the moon is out of sight at all times.
- Ensure all sharp objects and small men are removed from the room. Forcefully if
- After donning the supplied plastic gloves carefully open the cardboard box, ensuring that the
opening points away from you at all times.
- Extract the plastic bag, carefully, and discard the box in a Cavalier manner. Or possibly
Jacobean if that is more to your tastes.
- Hold the top of the bag between thumb and forefinger of each hand and then gently tease open.
Inhale deeply at this point to avoid any light headedness.
- Take the first of the 'cakes' and marvel at its perfection of design.
- Carefully begin picking the Chocolate™ from the top of the 'cake' being careful not to disturb
the bounty beneath. We recommend Wagner's patented Chocolate removing hamster (sold
separately) for this job.
- When the Smashing Jaffa Orangey Bit is revealed in all its glory peel it from its soft and
nurturing bed of 'cake'. Divest yourself of this 'cake' as you see fit. Personally I save it for the
next time my odious young nephew visits.
- Consume the Smashing Jaffa Orangey Bit in the time honoured and customary manner.
- Rinse out your mouth with a nice pint of Wagner's Old Door Stripper.
- Return to step 6 and continue until packet is finished.
We hope you get as much pleasure from these little slices of orange flavoured jelly as we do in
making them. Do shop with us again.
Arthur J. Wagner.
*Accurate to plus or minus twenty seven point nine three percent. Tests carried out on one
hundred pygmies and two surprised Labradors.
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