My Life as a Boozy Oaf

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Wagner's SJOB Importers

17 The Muse



Dear Madam,

Congratulations on acquiring our latest in Smashing Jaffa Orangey Bit distribution systems. No

longer need your Jaffa enjoyment be limited to simply guzzling those deliciously small slivers of

Orange goodness, handcrafted on the plains of Iberia by dusky maiden aunts. Making use of
our patented new technology, Chocolate, and a tried and trusted bedding material we have produced

something that even the European Union cannot help but call a 'cake'. With care and an experienced

hand this new 'cake' can heighten your Orangey Bit enjoyment by up to three hundred and twenty
seven point nine three percent* over the previous, unadulterated, delivery system.

Should you wish to partake of this increased taste please follow the following instructions

closely. Wagner's SJOB Importers can not be held responsible for any lack of excitement due to

not following these instructions to the letter. Or hair loss.

  1. Place yourself in a darkened room. Preferably within easy reach of the emergency services.

    Ensure that the moon is out of sight at all times.
  2. Ensure all sharp objects and small men are removed from the room. Forcefully if

  3. After donning the supplied plastic gloves carefully open the cardboard box, ensuring that the

    opening points away from you at all times.
  4. Extract the plastic bag, carefully, and discard the box in a Cavalier manner. Or possibly

    Jacobean if that is more to your tastes.
  5. Hold the top of the bag between thumb and forefinger of each hand and then gently tease open.

    Inhale deeply at this point to avoid any light headedness.
  6. Take the first of the 'cakes' and marvel at its perfection of design.
  7. Carefully begin picking the Chocolateā„¢ from the top of the 'cake' being careful not to disturb

    the bounty beneath. We recommend Wagner's patented Chocolate removing hamster (sold

    separately) for this job.
  8. When the Smashing Jaffa Orangey Bit is revealed in all its glory peel it from its soft and

    nurturing bed of 'cake'. Divest yourself of this 'cake' as you see fit. Personally I save it for the

    next time my odious young nephew visits.
  9. Consume the Smashing Jaffa Orangey Bit in the time honoured and customary manner.
  10. Rinse out your mouth with a nice pint of Wagner's Old Door Stripper.
  11. Return to step 6 and continue until packet is finished.

We hope you get as much pleasure from these little slices of orange flavoured jelly as we do in

making them. Do shop with us again.

Yours sincerely,

Arthur J. Wagner.

*Accurate to plus or minus twenty seven point nine three percent. Tests carried out on one

hundred pygmies and two surprised Labradors.

Next Time: 99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd

My Life as a Boozy Oaf


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