h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*These private quarters are on the first floor below ground level. The means of accessing them are known only to their inhabitants - Big Bad Werewolf and The Krylma Leader.*

*BBW stretches out on a lounge chair and flicks through the TV channels using his remote.*

Damn! Still nothing on. You'd think after all these years that someone would build a transmitter and start up a station.

*KL enters, looking very tired*

I'm going to kill whoever it was that switched my decaf with regular....thank goodness I was done with all my work last night, who knows where I might've fallen asleep?

*Notices BBWs trouble with the remote*

You know, we could always set up that Dogma network that we talked about. Heck, I've wanted it since the dawn of the millenium.

Although you know....we could throw together a photacyon tranceiver and send it far through space. It would start picking up old TV signals from Earth's past, and since the photacyon waves travel faster than light, we coul have it transmit the old TV signals back to us. We could watch every episode of the tonight show form when it first started! We could see Johnny Carson take over!

*looks doubtful*

Well, the last time we tried to make one of those photo-whatsit things, we lost half our Apes. Back in the old days, doing high tech stuff was easy. But it's been a long time since either of us could be bothered doing anything like that. I mean, why bother? We are sitting pretty here, with an easy workforce making piles of money for us. We have every luxury we could want and have enough power to satisfy that urge without having so much that you actually have to work at it. Life couldn't be better.

Besides, I've forgotten all that stuff and all the old labs have been converted to barracks for the "volunteers". The most I can do now is just rudimentary repairs to the stuff that breaks down. And you're not much better.

*Puts down remote and twists off the cap of a beer. Takes a long drink, then rests the bottle on his ample belly.*

*Snarls*

Every luxury? Oh, yes. Every luxury. I think I'll enjoy every luxury right now, starting with the luxury of television. Oh, wait. No TV!

I'm bored. There's no point to designing deathtraps and dungeons without more competant heroes. Can't even get a decent gyro these days, just that synthe-stuff from the food processors. Alien don't take quite as much of an interest in our planet anymore, not since that Althian/Thaltarian treaty. That Martian emperor showed up a fews years back, but got chased away almost instantly by that nameless human hero. Can't even find a decent fencing partner these days.

I'm sure we could find someone who could design a photacyon tranceiver for us if we looked far enough. Some researcher out there knows how to do it, I'm sure!

Yeah, I know what you mean - I miss having worthy opponents too. Even though we risked our lives, a good battle always cheered me up. Mind you, we usually lost - at least until the Orchid skin came out. But it had been going downhill for quite some time anyway - ever since that bunch of goody good guys went to take a christmas tree back and never returned. We lost quite a few opponents in that episode.

Well, we could always play speed-Zork. I think you're up 93,842 games to 93,838.

Yeah, yeah we could. I'm in the mood for something by either Meretzky or Moriarty. That'd leave us with Sorcerer, Wishbringer, Beyond Zork, or Zork Zero. Which'll it be?

I choose, Zork Zero. I think I have a slight edge over you on that one. If I remember correctly, my win ratio for that one is 0.50000001.

*Goes and sits in front of the computer that has big paper wolf ears taped to the top of it.*

Okay, I'm ready when you are. First one to the end wins.

*Sits down at his computer, one of the few still-working remains from The Draco*

Ready, and.....GO!

*Typing furiously*

Okay, I've gone 94 years through the game! You?

Only 90, but I'm on a roll now...

*types furiously*

Okay, I found the Magic Clothes Closet.

90? Hmmm, could've sworn that the intro jumped 94 years. Been too long since I played this one IRL, obviously.


KL-Stupid peggleboz....stupid, stupid peggleboz....

It's been ages since I played too, and I have an awful memory, so I'm sure you're right.


Ha ha! I found the secret passage behind the throne!

For as often as we play, does "found" really count anymore?

Just gave the fourth famathrian fly to Otto. Gonna toss the spyglass into the cauldron!

Well, "found" is just a figure of speach.

Okay, I've just played the indefensible gambit at the casino.

*breathing faster*

Okay, I've got 23 items....there's one more....what am I forgetting? Hmmmm....THE T-SQUARE! w.n.n.nw.nw.ne.se.e.u.u.u.u.u.....

Nooooooo! You can't be that far ahead! I've got the T-Square, but I still need the dumbell and the manuscript.

*breaks out into a sweat*

Argh! Which floor was it on? 24th? No....12th? No....19th? Hmmmm....

Found it! Leave the room, and d.d.d.d.d.d.d.d.d.d

*Nervously hurrying, knowing that he has fewer items to throw into the cauldron, but also that the manuscript and dumbbell are only half as far (though admittedly in opposite directions)*

Got it!

*furious typing*

And got it! Man, this is going to be close! I've just got to get back to the castle with these...

*Realizes that BBW must've taken a horribly wrong turn, as the dumbbell and manuscript are in the castle anyway. Confidently crosses the drawbridge, beneath the portcullis, runs east, and tosses the T-Square into the cauldron. Time freezes*

Argh! Which magic word was it? I wrote it down so that I wouldn't have to carry the notebook with me....*checks his notes, flipping through them* Ah! Here we go. Right beneath my solution to the three doors puzzle.

*Enters his magic word and begins running for Flatheadia's exit*

You remembered to find the magic word, didn't you?

Of course I did!

*Throws his last 2 items in the cauldron. Forgets to say the magic word. Runs for the door. Runs back, says the magic word and runs for the door.*

I'm almost there...

*An alarm goes off, indicating people approaching on the path*

Not now, not now!

*BBW cancels the alarm and types furiously.*

I've almost got you, Minos!