h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have lived both the Inner-City broadband-enhanced techno-life and the no-tell, wood-stoves and cows**t to the knees life, so feel fully - hah! - qualified to stick my oar in.

I wish I could do both at once. I love the greenery, home-grown food, wood fires, slow pace of life, healthy, peaceful, thing. I also love being able to natter to you lot, watch telly, go to libraries, museums, theatres, cinemas, and to be able to buy food when the garden is looking a bit skanky. I hate the cold, the hard physical work, the blisters, the chilblains, the ungrateful waywardness of sheep and rabbits, the isolation, the dirt, the constant smell of farmyard, the monotony of frozen courgette soup AGAIN because the garden spent the summer under the rule of the Marrow Monster. I also hate traffic fumes, endless noise and sirens and next-door and their war movie obsession, the dog poo everywhere, the constant barrage of adverts, the horribleness of being squashed up against other people, the ecological and ethical disaster that supermarkets are.

Ideal: Very small university or cathedral city within half-an-hours walk of my small-holding, which is next-door to some other small-holder who grows/raises all the things I can't be bothered to, and we'd do swapsies. And I'd still have broadband and a telly .