h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Weevil-meister, I have a confession.

At about 5 o'clock this morning I was woken up by a large insect - beetle-like, possibly a weevil - crawling across my shoulder towards my head. I was not soothed by its presence or flattered by its attention. In fact I possibly screamed, brushed the creature from me and leapt out of bed as fast as my limited level of consciousness allowed me. I then ran like a big girl, and spent the rest of the night on the sofa.

I have just dared to find the brute (it was ENORMOUS) and it banished it from my home.

He was probably looking to borrow a cup of sugar. I'm sure he didn't mean to upset you. Even though you screamed at the sight of him, I'm sure he doesn't hold a grudge. In fact, you probably scared the crap out of him. Poor little beetle who might possibly be a weevil.

Yes, there's nothing quite like an unexpected run-in with nature creatures. When I was in Antigua, I was just sitting there one night at my computer, wearing nothing but shorts, when I look around behind me and there's a tarantula crawling across the carpet. I didn't scream, but I sure as hell got my bare feet off the floor in a hurry.

Or the other time (also in Antigua) when we were trying to corral a rather immense cockroach. To make a long story short, the cockroach suddenly bolted and went straight up my shirt sleeve. I leaped about eight feet in the air and my shirt was ripped off before my feet touched the ground. Nothing quite like the feeling of a huge cockroach wandering about in your shirt.

Both those stories caused a sharp intake of breath from me -and have put me on bug-related edge. I left my window open after nightfall tonight, so I am half-expecting to have visitors in my room - I'm sure they mean to be friendly but they could leave it until I am conscious and expecting them.

I'm sure he just wasn't thinking. Despite his presence, I'm fairly certain that he was just looking for fod scraps, and that pestering humans (or even eating them while they sleep) is just not part of his instinctive behaviour. I'm sure he'd have left you alone.

We had to have screens on all our windows in Antigua (at least for one region in which we lived). At night, I would turn on my bedroom light and notice that the screen on my window was completely coated with cockroaches and moths. Completely. You couldn't see out the window. Not even a little bit. Once the light was on, though, the cockroaches took off and more moths took their place.

If the poor litle beetle really bothers you, you could do what I did, which is to get a mosquito net. Then, once you're in bed, just tuck the bottom of it under the mattress all the way around. Now you're sealed in and bugs can't bother you while you sleep (I bought my mosquito net the day after the tarantula incident).

We had tarantulas in our house on three different occasions. Fun, fun, fun!

I meant "food" scraps, not "fod" scraps. I'm typing on my laptop computer, which has a slightly claustrophobic keyboard. Damn typos.