Women have it made with handbags. They're great, one big¹ bag to put all of life's crap into.

Think about the average amount of stuff that a man has to carry about his person when out and about. First there's change in one pocket for paying for things and jangling about. Then there's his wallet, never a small thing at the best of times, it is stuffed with cash cards, credit cards, store cards, discount cards, membership cards, business cards, vouchers, driving licence and at least one condom because 'you just never know'. It occasionally also contains money.

It is something of a myth about keeping the wallet in the back pocket of his trousers. Most men find this uncomfortable while sitting or driving and prolonged exposure can cause siatica².

Somewhere in there will also be a mobile phone. Men's phones, or rather, phone models that men tend to go for, are larger and bulkier than the average woman's phone. Men accuse women of burying their phones in the depths of their handbag so that they cannot get to it when it rings, but men have a similar problem extracting their phone from all the junk in their pocket. It is true that mobile phones are getting smaller, but there is a certain size, beyond which, no man will be seen dead with. The ultra-tiny new phones are not for men. For one, we cannot manage with the tiny buttons. And then there are the 3G phones: bricks the lot of them. Oh sure they are great fun and the new must have gadget, but they're massive!

The man will also be carrying his house keys, and possibly his car keys. If he is with his girlfriend/wife, she may at some point ask him to carry her keys as well because 'they won't fit in my handbag'. Keys hurt. They poke into the leg when a man sits down and can cause serious swearing if he falls on them.

He will probably be carrying a hankerchief. The male dictionary defines a hanky as:

'A cotton sheet device for entangling around your mobile phone and spilling your loose change when trying to catch a sneeze. Sometimes useful for blowing your nose with.'

There will also be miscellaneous items such as shopping list, spare hanky (if he has a cold), additional credit card wallet³, office security pass, day bus or train ticket, and other miscellaneous bits of paraphanelia.

Average contents of a man's pockets:

• spare change
• wallet
• keys
• mobile phone
• car keys
• hanky
• bus ticket/pass
• office keys/security pass
• stuff he's been asked to carry by someone else
• possibly his hands if it is cold and there's enough room

Many men are now finding, that in today's modern work with all the additional items they must now carry in their trouser pockets, that they must wear a belt or braces simply to prevent the sheer weight from pulling their trousers down. Men who go 'commando' are terrified to leave their houses.

Men need help. We'd seriously wear Batman style utility belts if we thought that people wouldn't laugh at us. I have one from my camping days. It's great, but not exactly fashionable. And it's no use saying men should wear jackets with lots of pockets, because let's face it, not every man wears a jacket with pockets and in summer, many may not wear a jacket at all, but still have to carry this paraphenalia around with them.

And all this stuff is painful to carry. It sticks into men's legs. The answer to the question that women have been asking for years, 'Why do men jangle their trouser change?', is 'Because it's sticking into my leg and it hurts!'

So what exactly is man to do? Get their own handbags? Not likely. Utility belts then? Can't see it happening. Carry less stuff? What, and seem like a techno-peasant?

One solution is to get items that perform several functions. There are already mobile phones that also act as PDAs, cameras and MP3 walkmen. But the long term solution is not so obvious.

Anyway, I'm off now to buy some braces. It's that or putting my thumbs through my belt loops to hold my trousers up.

Atlantic_Cable

29.01.04 Front Page

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