h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Even the Merovingian needs to walk amongst the trees sometimes; and since they are in short supply in the Mountains, there is a section in the chateau -- somewhat like a greenhouse -- in which they are grown.

*NYC runs in, gun drawn, Red Dog's collar in his other hand*

[NYC] Where'd he go?

*Corrupt runs in*

Hmmm... here, vampirevampirevampire...

*rustle rustle*

GAH!

*She jumps into a tree and hides.*

[A guy who looks a lot like Wolfie only wearing a black leather jacket charges towards them, wielding a machine gun.]

[Doberman] Hey, guess who's /not/ immune to this! [aims it at NYC] Do you feel lucky, punk??

*NYC stumbles over Red, fumbling for a witty retort, and decides to play it by ear. He pitches Red at Doberman in the vain hopes that either Red will nimbly beat the opponent down with his special dogfighting mode, or at least block a clear shot of NYC, who searches frantically for some more permanent cover. Not finding any quick escape, NYC fires wildly into the jumble of canine cruelty*

Grammar error, grammar error, grammar error... NYC Student needs an 'edit' button.

*Karooms into Doberman*

In the name of Bob, not another poodle-derived program ! What is it with the Merovingian ..... is he a kennel owner or something

*chops viciously into Dobermans throat trying to shatter his wind-pipe and voice box*

Don't bother to answer that.

[Doberman] G'hrrrgghhh ....

[He tries to speak, but only manages to rasp incomprehensibly, and the gun is sent sprawling.]

*looks round for his stake and notices Corrupt trying to simultaneously feign innocence and hiding the stake and making a bad job of both things*

Hmmmmmmm .... I think we need to have a little chat after this Corrupt. That's at least three misdemeanours you know

*delves into his spandex suit and takes a pencil from his CHOPPERS 2004 burgundy leather personalised organiser with his initials in gold leaf in the bottom left hand corner*

Xmas Present from Uncle Heavy you know ..... maybe Doberman is allergic to HB's

*Throws the pencil with great force into Dobermans right eye socket*

*NYC winces*

[NYC] Ooh. That smarts. /Now/, how are we supposed to interrogate him?

[Red Dog] What would he say?

[Doberman] Gurgle. *expires*

[NYC] Err... right. Let's keep moving. If I see Rottweiler boy popping out that door, he AND his dog-fetishist programmer are SO gonna get pummelled to bloody bits!

...

Oh, and you've got a bit of Doberman on your chin, there.

Oh bugger - and I've trod in something as well

[Doberman] [pulling the pencil out of his eye, which promptly heals] I'm not quite dead!

[NYC] I guess then we CAN interrogate you. But first,

*RATATATATATATATATATATAT*

[NYC] While those heal, where's that pretty French lady and the locksmith she's seeing on the side?

*Looks in his CHOPPERS organiser again. Throws away protractor, compass, set square, calculator, things-to-do list and other sundry useless stuff*

Aha ! Here's what I've been looking for

*Holds a super-hard 2H pencil in a street knife-fighting stance*

Okay Doberman ...... time to get pinsched !

[Doberman] Urgh! All right! I'll tell you what you want to know! Just don't say any more of those horrid puns!

*NYC looms over the Doberman*

[NYC] Well, look who's in the dog house now! Do throw us a bone and tell us where our unkind host has disappeared to, por favor?

[Doberman] All right! Uh ... Last I knew, she was going to the Merovingian's office ... and if not, you'll get a phone call from Sparks from "Enter the Matrix." Keep going that way. And you'll have to fight more guys like me.

*NYC starts in that direction, then decides to call for larger calibre weaponry than the submachine gun he's been using thus far*

*beep beep boop*

[NYC] Hey, Khan! I'll nee-- WHAT? Really?! Just one sec!

*NYC runs out the arboretum in the direction he first came*

*Corrupt launches herself out of the tree and runs for the Main Hall*