h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You'd be suprised ...... my two have foiled burglars twice now. Unfortunately, not on the two occasions when our car was stolen, but when a neighbour's car was being broken in to! (We put our "new" car in the garage now!) I'm really pleased with the dogs though... The cats let me know when a stranger is about too, by flying in through the cat flap, terrified and setting the dogs off barking!

Wow! A fully integrated animal alarm system!

Well, I don't keep a dog and bark myself! (Oh, that was really terrible..... I can't believe I said that!)

And it leaves you open for all sorts of puns...

Oh, yeah? For example ...... do "enlighten" me.....

Well, there's that joke that goes like this:

There was a man driving along the motorway in his car, and he was pulled over by the police. So he winds his window down, and the policeman comes over, and says to him, 'Have you got a license for that dog in the passenger seat?' And the man says, 'That's a terrible thing to say about my wife!'

Gosh! You must be psychopathetic! How did you know that I had four legs, big floppy ears and a waggy tail?

Incidentally, pop along to Greebo's page, check out links to her web page and subscribe to her joke a day..... Its the way she tells 'em!

Have you heard the spitoon joke?

Sorry about that. It is a bit of a piss-poor joke, but please forgive me, I'm only 14.

No, incidentally, I haven't heard the spitoon joke. How does it go?

Basically it goes this way:

There's these two chaps drinking in a pub and they'll bet on anything. One says to the other: "I bet you £5.00 I can drink the contents of that spitoon...." The other chap accepts his bet and the first guy picks up the spitoon and begins to drink whereupon the second chap who is totally revolted begs "Okay, okay - you win! You can stop now!" However, the first guy carries on until the spitoon is empty. The second chap hands over his £5.00 saying "Why didn't you stop when I said you'd won the bet?" and the first chap replies "I couldn't stop as it was all in one lump!"

That is quite spectacularly disgusting. I can safely say that you need lessons to come up with stuff that vile.

Well done, I liked it.

My hubby tells it much better, but he's crap at typing......

Did he dictate?

No, he didn't dictate it. I unfortunately typed it from my memory which, at the best of times, isn't brilliant - especially when it comes to jokes!

John, my hubbie is a mine of jokes - I don't know how he remembers them all!

If you like jokes, have a look at "Greebo's" home page and follow the links there to her own web site. She has this "joke a day" that you can subscribe to, freebie...

Just got Greebo's jokes... they're really good. Do you get it?

On an unrelated note, is the stereotype of the joke-inept woman an accurate one, generally speaking?

Once upon a time in this forum, I suggested a sort of atheists club. I am ready to make that a reality. Introducing the Anti-Christ's Support Network, which I will be founder and chairman. Since all of you voiced support for such an organization, I'll sign you up, and link those articles you have that are relevant, unless you protest quickly. Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled conversation....

GargleBlaster,

Would your club consider an affiliation woth the U.C.B.F.
(Unleavened Chocolate Battered Fish) Assn.

We have only one tenet:
God is Life - This obviates just about any religious argument or justification.

We also offer preformatted contracts to any person claiming personal knowledge or experience of the afterlife. Promise to make 'em a STAR
and pack them off to the lawyers.

These is also therapetic support for Chocolate Addicts - where to get it legally and illegally, correct intravenous administration etc.

I arrived at this simple philosophy mainly due to exhaustion from washing lintels and lighting candles. And the interesting people are all on the middle ground.

So sign me up if all this is acceptable.

Hi Monsieur le Gargleblaster! No - no objections from this quarter...do carry on. Thank you.

Wowbagger..... women and jokes..... no I don't think so as I've had some girl friends who can tell a really good joke and there are some lovely female comediens around. I think it's just me. Having two kids doesn't help as each time you give birth, part of your brain is surgically removed (it's a way of keeping the mums concerned sane - well almost!).

I think it should be called 'Jehovah's Victims' myself (well if there were witnesses there must have been a crime committed).

EtherZev, your ideals more than meet the criteria of the Network, and your membership is approved.

Twophlag: I ws considering making, as the first official act of Network business, a forum to discuss alternate names. The Anti-Christ's Support Network is just an interim thing while I finish building it. Yours is an excellent suggestion, but I'll see what else people can come up with.

The Network is now in existence here: http://www.h2g2.com/A254314

The literature list and membership rolls will be expanded as soon as I receive responses from a few others I've invited. In the meantime, if any of you spot something that needs to be there, let me know on the page.